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Question:
In many countries around the world, rural people are moving to cities, so the population in the countryside is decreasing. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?
Response:
Nowadays, since a sizeable number of people are immigrating to the big cities in serch of better living condition, the population in the suburbs is dropping. while there are some advantages associated with immigration, I believe the main disadvantages are more substantial. On the one hand, a potential advantage may be better job opportunities. A majority of people who live in the rural areas move to the cities because of earning more money and provide their family with the basic ammenities. For example, big companies in iran are located in cities, thus, people who want to recrute in these companies and having a lucrative career should live in the vicity of the manufactures which are situated in cities. So, the companies' income will be increase because of the skilled workfore who come from the countrysides. Another precieved positive effect is that benefit from a wide vraity of facilities. it is many recreational and residentional facilities in cities, such as better healthcare system or higher standard of education that encourage people to move to cities. Additionally, as a result of moving people to cities, the countrysides remain intact On the other hand, a primary disadvantage is that cities becom overcrowded. Not only has over population a negative effects on traffic congestion, but it also is a threat to the air quality. When people move to the cities, commuting will be increased and as a result of consumption more fossil fuel, the air pollution will be increas. Furthermore, the price of accomodation see an increase, because the demand for house are rose and the landlords offer the higher price for their hiuse because of the competation between people. To conclude, it is true that increasing cities population would seem advantageous under certain sircumstanse. However, in my opinion, its negative effects in terms of air pollution and trafic congestion override the advantages.
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Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
Nowadays, since a sizeable number of people are immigrating to the big cities in serchsearch of better living conditionconditions, the population in the suburbs is dropping. whileWhile there are some advantages associated with immigration, I believe the main disadvantages are more substantial. On the one hand, a potential advantage may be better job opportunities. A majority of people who live in the rural areas move to the cities because of earning to earn more money and provide their familyfamilies with the basic ammenitiesamenities. For example, big companies in iranIran are located in cities,; thus, people who want to recruterecruit in these companies and havinghave a lucrative career should live in the vicityvicinity of the manufacturesmanufacturers which are situated in cities. So, the companies' income will be increase because of the skilled workforeworkforce who come from the countrysidescountryside. Another precievedperceived positive effect is that they benefit from a wide vraityvariety of facilities. it isThere are many recreational and residentionalresidential facilities in cities, such as a better healthcare system or a higher standard of education that encourage people to move to cities. Additionally, as a result of people moving people to cities, the countrysides remaincountryside remains intact. On the other hand, a primary disadvantage is that cities becombecome overcrowded. Not only has over population a does overpopulation have negative effects on traffic congestion, but it also isposes a threat to the air quality. When people move to the cities, commuting will be increased increase, and as a result of consumptionconsuming more fossil fuel, the air pollution will be increasincrease. Furthermore, the price of accomodation seeaccommodation sees an increase, because the demand for house are rosehouses has risen, and the landlords offer the higher priceprices for their hiusehouses because of the competationcompetition between people. To conclude, it is true that an increasing citiescity population would seem advantageous under certain sircumstansecircumstances. However, in my opinion, its negative effects in terms of air pollution and trafictraffic congestion override the advantages.
This section presents vocabulary suggestions. Highlighted words are either too simple or are repeated more than 3 times . Please note that some suggested alternatives might require changes to other parts of the sentence.
This section presents a professionally wirtten variation of your essay and highlights the differences.
Nowadays, since a sizeable number of people are immigrating to the big cities in serch of better living condition, the population in the suburbs is dropping. while there are some advantages associated with immigration, I believe the main disadvantages are more substantial. On the one hand, a potential advantage may be better job opportunities. A majority of people who live in the rural areas move to the cities because of earning more money and provide their family with the basic ammenities. For example, big companies in iran are located in cities, thus, people who want to recrute in these companies and having a lucrative career should live in the vicity of the manufactures which are situated in cities. So, the companies' income will be increase because of the skilled workfore who come from the countrysides. Another precieved positive effect is that benefit from a wide vraity of facilities. it is many recreational and residentional facilities in cities, such as better healthcare system or higher standard of education that encourage people to move to cities. Additionally, as a result of moving people to cities, the countrysides remain intact On the other hand, a primary disadvantage is that cities becom overcrowded. Not only has over population a negative effects on traffic congestion, but it also is a threat to the air quality. When people move to the cities, commuting will be increased and as a result of consumption more fossil fuel, the air pollution will be increas. Furthermore, the price of accomodation see an increase, because the demand for house are rose and the landlords offer the higher price for their hiuse because of the competation between people. To conclude, it is true that increasing cities population would seem advantageous under certain sircumstanse. However, in my opinion, its negative effects in terms of air pollution and trafic congestion override the advantages.
Here is a corrected and optimized version of your essay: --- Nowadays, a significant number of people are immigrating to large cities in search of better living conditions, resulting in a decline in the population of the suburbs. While there are some advantages associated with immigration, I believe that the main disadvantages are more substantial. On the one hand, a potential advantage is the availability of better job opportunities. Many individuals from rural areas move to cities to earn higher wages and provide their families with basic amenities. For example, major companies in Iran are located in urban areas; thus, those seeking employment in these firms and aspiring for lucrative careers must reside near the manufacturing hubs situated in cities. Consequently, companies benefit from an influx of skilled workers from the countryside, which can enhance their productivity and income. Another perceived positive effect is access to a wide variety of facilities. Cities offer numerous recreational and residential amenities, such as improved healthcare systems and higher standards of education, which encourage people to relocate. Additionally, as more individuals move to urban areas, the countryside remains relatively untouched. On the other hand, a primary disadvantage is that cities become overcrowded. Overpopulation not only negatively impacts traffic congestion but also poses a threat to air quality. As more people migrate to urban areas, commuting increases, leading to higher fossil fuel consumption and, consequently, greater air pollution. Furthermore, the cost of accommodation rises due to increased demand for housing, prompting landlords to charge higher rents as competition intensifies. In conclusion, while the growing population in cities may appear advantageous under certain circumstances, I believe that its negative effects, particularly in terms of air pollution and traffic congestion, outweigh the benefits. --- This revised version addresses grammatical errors, improves clarity, and enhances the overall coherence of the essay, making it more suitable for a high proficiency test score.
Band Score: 5.5

Feedback

Task Achievement

  • Response to the Prompt: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the positive and negative aspects of rural-to-urban migration. However, the conclusion could be more explicit in stating whether the development is overall positive or negative, as the prompt asks for a clear stance.
  • Examples and Support: The essay provides examples, such as the situation in Iran, to support the points made. However, these examples could be more detailed to strengthen the argument.

Coherence and Cohesion

  • Structure and Organization: The essay is organized into clear paragraphs, each focusing on a specific point. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, using linking words like "Moreover," "Additionally," or "Conversely" can help guide the reader through the argument.
  • Logical Flow: The essay generally follows a logical progression, but the conclusion could better summarize the main points and reinforce the writer's stance.

Lexical Resource

  • Vocabulary: The essay uses a range of vocabulary, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., "serch" instead of "search," "ammenities" instead of "amenities," "recrute" instead of "recruit," "vraity" instead of "variety," "residentional" instead of "residential," "accomodation" instead of "accommodation," "sircumstanse" instead of "circumstance"). These errors can detract from the overall impression.
  • Word Choice: Some word choices are awkward or incorrect, such as "immigrating" instead of "migrating," and "vicity" instead of "vicinity."

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

  • Sentence Structure: The essay contains a mix of simple and complex sentences, which is good. However, there are several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ("cities becom overcrowded" should be "cities become overcrowded") and incorrect verb forms ("the air pollution will be increas" should be "the air pollution will increase").
  • Punctuation and Capitalization: There are issues with capitalization (e.g., "it is many recreational" should be "there are many recreational") and punctuation, which can affect readability.

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Clarify Your Stance: Make sure your conclusion clearly states whether you believe the development is positive or negative overall.
  2. Improve Transitions: Use more linking words to improve the flow between paragraphs and ideas.
  3. Check Spelling and Grammar: Proofread your essay to correct spelling and grammatical errors. Consider using tools like spell checkers or grammar checkers.
  4. Expand Examples: Provide more detailed examples to support your points, which can make your argument more convincing.
  5. Vary Sentence Structures: Continue to use a mix of sentence structures, but ensure they are grammatically correct.

By addressing these areas, the essay can be more coherent, persuasive, and polished.

See more samples for this question