Question:
It is important for everyone, including young people, to save money for their future. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement??
Response:
It is argued that all individuals including youngsters should save money for their future. I agree with this idea as it can contribute significantly to empower their economic status and it can serve as a reliable source for their retirement period. To begin with, investments starting at an early age would enable younger individuals to improve their economic status. That is to say, allocated money for investments can be utilized to actively participate in starting a business which could be used to develop a sustainable income and gain more money. Additionally, it can be a reliable source in case of any economic crisis, in the world of uncertainties. For instance, in 2008, the whole world suffered from an economic problem that happened globally that notably affected many individuals, having such habits like saving money can protect them while facing financial issues; therefore, it can be highly recommended that young people practice such habits as it can relieve their financial burden. Moreover, many individuals struggle with providing their basic needs in their retirement period, such as health. It is predictable that most of the elderly would not be able to work and make money, considering this factor and also lack of proper health insurance in many countries, it can be a perfect idea to save money to be used in their old-age. Lots of elderly who are suffering from serious disease like cancer requiring surgical treatment which is costly, depend on their savings to treat their conditions. For example, in USA, insurance does not cover many diseases and people should pay themselves, in the presence of ineffective healthcare networks and lack of proper cooperation of insurance companies, many of them die without having the chance to seek for treatment. Ton conclude, investing money not only can have positive impact on individual's economic status but also, is known as a reliable source which could be used for their future health problems.
Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
It is argued that all individuals, including youngsters, should save money for their future. I agree with this idea as it can contribute significantly to empowerempowering their economic status and it can serve as a reliable source for their retirement period. To begin with, investments starting at an early age would enable younger individuals to improve their economic status. That is to say, allocated money for investments can be utilizedutilised to actively participate in starting a business which could be used to develop a sustainable income and gain more money. Additionally, it can be a reliable source in case of any economic crisis, in thea world of uncertainties. For instance, in 2008, the whole world suffered from an economic problem that happened globally that notably affected many individuals,; having such habits like saving money can protect them while facing financial issues; therefore, it can be highly recommended that young people practicepractise such habits as it can relieve their financial burden. Moreover, many individuals struggle with providing their basic needs in their retirement period, such as health. It is predictable that most of the elderly would not be able to work and make money, considering. Considering this factor and also the lack of proper health insurance in many countries, it can be a perfect idea to save money to be used in their old- age. Lots of elderly who are suffering from serious diseasediseases like cancer requiring surgical treatment, which is costly, depend on their savings to treat their conditions. For example, in the USA, insurance does not cover many diseases and people should pay themselves,; in the presence of ineffective healthcare networks and lack of proper cooperation offrom insurance companies, many of them die without having the chance to seek for treatment. TonTo conclude, investing money not only can have a positive impact on an individual's economic status but also, is known as a reliable source which could be used for their future health problems.
Band Score: 7

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Task Achievement

  • Response to the Prompt: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing the importance of saving money for the future, particularly for young people. It provides a clear stance, agreeing with the statement, and supports this with relevant arguments.
  • Ideas and Examples: The essay presents two main ideas: improving economic status through early investments and securing financial stability during retirement. These ideas are supported with examples, such as the 2008 economic crisis and healthcare costs in the USA, which help to illustrate the points made.

Coherence and Cohesion

  • Organization: The essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific point, contributing to the overall argument.
  • Cohesive Devices: The use of cohesive devices such as "To begin with," "Moreover," and "For example," helps to guide the reader through the argument. However, the transition to the conclusion could be smoother. Consider using a phrase like "In conclusion" or "To sum up" to clearly signal the end of the essay.

Lexical Resource

  • Vocabulary: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms like "economic status," "sustainable income," "financial burden," and "surgical treatment." These terms are appropriate for the topic and contribute to the clarity of the argument.
  • Word Choice: There are a few instances where word choice could be improved for clarity. For example, "empower their economic status" could be rephrased to "enhance their financial position."

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

  • Sentence Structure: The essay uses a variety of sentence structures, which adds to the readability. However, there are some grammatical errors that need attention, such as "having such habits like saving money can protect them" which could be rephrased to "having habits such as saving money can protect them."
  • Grammar and Punctuation: There are minor errors in punctuation and grammar, such as "in the presence of ineffective healthcare networks and lack of proper cooperation of insurance companies, many of them die without having the chance to seek for treatment." This could be rephrased for clarity and grammatical accuracy.

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Transitions: Improve the transition to the conclusion for better coherence.
  2. Grammar and Punctuation: Review the essay for minor grammatical errors and improve sentence clarity.
  3. Word Choice: Consider rephrasing certain expressions for more precise language use.

Overall, the essay presents a well-structured argument with relevant examples, but attention to grammatical accuracy and transitions could enhance its effectiveness.

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