Question:
Some people believe that professionals, such as doctors and engineers, should be required to work in the country where they did their training. Others believe they should be free to work in another country if they wish. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Response:
In today's world, the tendency to migrate overseas has increased significantly among individuals. Although some feel that professionals should be kept in their home countries so as not to cause shortage, I completely agree with those who believe all people should be free to choose their work environment. On the one hand, it could be argued that a substantial amount of money has been dedicated to train experts by governments. The more doctors and engineers leave their own countries, the more job vacancies may be created, enforcing authorities to employ some foreign professionals as alternatives. This cycle can impose a financial burden on societies, leading to a economic crisis. Additionally, it is said that people may lose the sense of commitment to their own country when migrate abroad. To elaborate, national identity is undeniably important to both countries and individuals, making them known globally. When professionals migrate to other countries permanently, they may be influenced by the culture of their destination countries and forget about their traditions. On the other hand, experiencing a sense of freedom is a crucial human right. If professionals had been forced to work in their birth countries, the chances would be high that they feel deprived of freedom. These feelings cam discourage them to perform better in their workplaces, leading to a sharp decrease in expected outcomes. Moreover, individuals like to have the opportunity to expand their knowledge by migrating to different countries. It is obvious that some privileged countries such as developed nations have far better facilities to offer. Take the USA as an example; this wealth country has been offered lots of opportunities to all individuals to hone their skills, making people keen to migrate there to benefit from these chances. To sum up, although I acknowledge that professionals' migration can cause some difficulties like financial crises, I wholeheartedly believe that they should be allowed to choose their country freely.
Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
In today's world, the tendency to migrate overseas has increased significantly among individuals. Although some feel that professionals should be kept in their home countries so as not to cause a shortage, I completely agree with those who believe all people should be free to choose their work environment. On the one hand, it could be argued that a substantial amount of money has been dedicated to traintraining experts by governments. The more doctors and engineers leave their own countries, the more job vacancies may be created, enforcingforcing authorities to employ some foreign professionals as alternatives. This cycle can impose a financial burden on societies, leading to aan economic crisis. Additionally, it is said that people may lose thetheir sense of commitment to their own country when migratemigrating abroad. To elaborate, national identity is undeniably important to both countries and individuals, making them known globally. When professionals migrate to other countries permanently, they may be influenced by the culture of their destination countries and forget about their traditions. On the other hand, experiencing a sense of freedom is a crucial human right. If professionals had been were forced to work in their birth countries, the chances would be high that they feel deprived of freedom. These feelings camcan discourage them to performfrom performing better in their workplaces, leading to a sharp decrease in expected outcomes. Moreover, individuals like to have the opportunity to expand their knowledge by migrating to different countries. It is obvious that some privileged countries such as developed nations have far better facilities to offer. Take the USA as an example; this wealthwealthy country has been offered lots of opportunities to all individuals to hone their skills, making people keen to migrate there to benefit from these chances. To sum up, although I acknowledge that professionals' migration can cause some difficulties like financial crises, I wholeheartedly believe that they should be allowed to choose their country freely.
Band Score: 7.5

Feedback on the Essay

Task Achievement

  • The essay addresses both sides of the argument and presents a clear opinion, fulfilling the task requirements.
  • The introduction could be more balanced by briefly mentioning both views before stating the writer’s position.
  • Some arguments (e.g., financial burden, loss of national identity) are well-developed, but the counterarguments (freedom, better opportunities) could be expanded with more specific examples or data.
  • The conclusion restates the opinion but could summarize the key points more effectively.

Coherence and Cohesion

  • The essay is logically structured with clear paragraphs for each viewpoint.
  • Some transitions between ideas could be smoother (e.g., "Additionally, it is said that..." could be more naturally linked to the previous point).
  • A few sentences are slightly awkward or repetitive (e.g., "These feelings cam discourage them to perform better..." – "cam" should be "can").
  • The phrase "To elaborate, national identity is undeniably important..." could be better connected to the previous sentence.

Lexical Resource

  • A good range of vocabulary is used (e.g., "financial burden," "national identity," "hone their skills").
  • Some word choices are slightly unnatural (e.g., "wealth country" should be "wealthy country," "enforcing authorities" could be "forcing governments").
  • Minor spelling errors ("cam" instead of "can," "a economic crisis" should be "an economic crisis").
  • Some phrases could be more precise (e.g., "privileged countries such as developed nations" is redundant—just "developed nations" would suffice).

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

  • Generally good grammar, but there are some errors:
    • "When professionals migrate to other countries permanently, they may be influenced by the culture of their destination countries and forget about their traditions." (This is a comma splice; consider restructuring.)
    • "If professionals had been forced to work in their birth countries, the chances would be high that they feel deprived of freedom." (Mixed conditional—should be "If professionals were forced... they would feel...")
    • "These feelings cam discourage them to perform better..." ("can discourage them from performing better").
  • Some articles are missing (e.g., "a economic crisis" → "an economic crisis").

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Balance the Introduction: Briefly acknowledge both views before stating your opinion.
  2. Strengthen Examples: Provide more concrete examples (e.g., statistics on brain drain, specific countries facing shortages).
  3. Improve Transitions: Use more cohesive devices (e.g., "On the contrary," "Conversely," "Furthermore") to link ideas smoothly.
  4. Proofread for Errors: Check for spelling, grammar, and awkward phrasing.
  5. Expand Counterarguments: Develop the "freedom and opportunity" argument with more depth.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and presents a clear argument, but refining grammar, vocabulary, and coherence would enhance its quality.

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