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Question:
In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?
Response:
Evidence suggest that kids are often told that they are able to fulfill whatever they want, providing that they put efforts efficiently. Although there are a number of drawbacks involved in this trend, the benefits accuring to that are by no means negligible. On the one hand, the advantage for giving children this message is manifold. To begin with, this message provides a source of inspiration for them. What I mean is that, this message persuade children to work hard and concentrate on their aspirations to achieve them. As a result, they would develop some skills such as creativity, time management, leadership and so on which are beneficial for their future. The more they are dedicated, the more chance they have to accopmlish their aims. Form an educational level, they would pass their tests with flying colors. Howerver, the downside cannot be ignored. The most axiomatic argument of this message is that young children devote all their hours to achieve what they wish. This can have negative effects on their relationship with their families and friends. Take students who sorely study their lessons and do not interact with their peers at school as a compelling example. They are likely to suffer from loneliness and thay are lack of social skills which are essential in today's world. Another reprecussion worth mentioning is that if their efforts would not paid off, they may feel disappinted and it affects on their future goals as well. In conclisuion, having considered the argument above, giving this message to the children that if you work hard, you will achieve your objectives can be both rewarding and problemaic.
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Evidence suggestsuggests that kids are often told that they are able to fulfill whatever they want, providingprovided that they put effortseffort efficiently. Although there are a number of drawbacks involved in this trend, the benefits accuring toaccruing from that are by no means negligible. On the one hand, the advantage forof giving children this message is manifold. To begin with, this message provides a source of inspiration for them. What I mean is that, this message persuadepersuades children to work hard and concentrate on their aspirations to achieve them. As a result, they would develop some skills such as creativity, time management, leadership and so on, which are beneficial for their future. The more they are dedicated, the more chance they have to accopmlishaccomplish their aims. FormFrom an educational levelperspective, they would pass their tests with flying colors. HowerverHowever, the downside cannot be ignored. The most axiomaticobvious argument ofagainst this message is that young children devote all their hours to achieveachieving what they wish. This can have negative effects on their relationshiprelationships with their families and friends. Take students who sorelysolely study their lessons and do not interact with their peers at school as a compelling example. They are likely to suffer from loneliness and thay are they lack of social skills, which are essential in today's world. Another reprecussionrepercussion worth mentioning is that if their efforts woulddo not paidpay off, they may feel disappinteddisappointed and it affects on their future goals as well. In conclisuionconclusion, having considered the argumentarguments above, giving this message to the children—that if you work hard, you will achieve your objectives—can be both rewarding and problemaicproblematic.
This section presents vocabulary suggestions. Highlighted words are either too simple or are repeated more than 3 times . Please note that some suggested alternatives might require changes to other parts of the sentence.
This section presents a professionally wirtten variation of your essay and highlights the differences.
Evidence suggest that kids are often told that they are able to fulfill whatever they want, providing that they put efforts efficiently. Although there are a number of drawbacks involved in this trend, the benefits accuring to that are by no means negligible.
Evidence suggests that children are often told they can achieve whatever they want, provided they put in effort efficiently. Although there are some drawbacks to this trend, the benefits are by no means negligible.
On the one hand, the advantage for giving children this message is manifold. To begin with, this message provides a source of inspiration for them. What I mean is that, this message persuade children to work hard and concentrate on their aspirations to achieve them. As a result, they would develop some skills such as creativity, time management, leadership and so on which are beneficial for their future. The more they are dedicated, the more chance they have to accopmlish their aims. Form an educational level, they would pass their tests with flying colors.
On one hand, conveying this message to children has several advantages. Firstly, it serves as a source of inspiration. This encouragement motivates children to work diligently and focus on their aspirations. Consequently, they develop valuable skills such as creativity, time management, and leadership, which are beneficial for their future. The more dedicated they are, the greater their chances of accomplishing their goals. From an educational perspective, they are more likely to excel in their studies.
Howerver, the downside cannot be ignored. The most axiomatic argument of this message is that young children devote all their hours to achieve what they wish. This can have negative effects on their relationship with their families and friends. Take students who sorely study their lessons and do not interact with their peers at school as a compelling example. They are likely to suffer from loneliness and thay are lack of social skills which are essential in today's world. Another reprecussion worth mentioning is that if their efforts would not paid off, they may feel disappinted and it affects on their future goals as well.
However, the potential downsides cannot be overlooked. The most obvious concern is that children might devote excessive time to pursuing their ambitions. This could negatively impact their relationships with family and friends. For instance, students who focus solely on academics and neglect social interactions may experience loneliness and a lack of essential social skills. Another significant drawback is that if their efforts do not yield the desired results, they may feel disappointed, which could demotivate them from pursuing future goals.
In conclisuion, having considered the argument above, giving this message to the children that if you work hard, you will achieve your objectives can be both rewarding and problemaic.
In conclusion, while telling children that hard work leads to success can be both rewarding and problematic, it is important to strike a balance between encouraging ambition and fostering well-rounded development.
Band Score: 6

Feedback on the Essay:

Task Achievement:
The essay addresses the prompt and presents both advantages and disadvantages of telling children they can achieve anything through hard work. The response is relevant and covers the main points, though some ideas could be developed further for clarity. For example, the educational benefits mentioned could be expanded with specific examples or explanations. The conclusion summarizes the main points but could be more nuanced in balancing the advantages and disadvantages.

Coherence and Cohesion:
The essay is logically structured with clear paragraphs for advantages and disadvantages. However, some transitions between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from advantages to disadvantages feels abrupt. Additionally, some sentences are awkwardly phrased, which affects flow (e.g., "Form an educational level, they would pass their tests with flying colors"). Using cohesive devices (e.g., "On the other hand," "Furthermore") would improve readability.

Lexical Resource:
The vocabulary is generally appropriate, but there are several spelling and word choice errors (e.g., "accopmlish" instead of "accomplish," "sorely" instead of "solely," "reprecussion" instead of "repercussion"). Some phrases are unnatural (e.g., "this message persuade children" should be "this message persuades children"). More precise and varied word choices would enhance the essay.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy:
There are noticeable grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement ("this message persuade" → "this message persuades"), incorrect verb forms ("if their efforts would not paid off" → "if their efforts do not pay off"), and awkward phrasing ("it affects on their future goals" → "it affects their future goals"). More complex sentence structures (e.g., conditional sentences, relative clauses) could be used to demonstrate a wider range of grammar.

Suggestions for Improvement:

  1. Clarify and Expand Ideas: Provide more specific examples or explanations for advantages (e.g., how creativity or leadership develops) and disadvantages (e.g., real-world consequences of social isolation).
  2. Improve Transitions: Use linking words (e.g., "However," "In contrast") to smoothly connect ideas between paragraphs.
  3. Proofread for Errors: Carefully check spelling, word choice, and grammar to avoid mistakes that distract from the message.
  4. Refine Sentence Structure: Use a mix of simple and complex sentences to demonstrate grammatical range.

Overall, the essay is on topic and presents a balanced view, but refining language accuracy and coherence would significantly improve its quality.

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