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Question:
Some people think that competition at work, at school, and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than compete against each other. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Response:
There is no doubt that rivals make each other better. While some people think that having rivalry at the workplace, school, and everyday life is not a good thing, I would argue that why it is beneficial for people. Competing in a group instead of cooperation between members can hurt the outcome of an organisation. This is because while people are fighting with each other to gain a better position, some great ideas can be missing. For example, consider an advertisement company where employees are trying to sabotage other models, so they can get the promotion, and it can damage the creativity of the whole system, and they might lose clients. Conversely, if those people work together, they would gain a significant profit. Competition can make humans try harder in order to reach higher positions. It is clear that people can be more creative and hardworking when there are other rivals. For instance, imagine a car factory where there are several designers, and their boss attends a race and prepares a prize for the winner of the best design. At this moment, everyone will do their best to achieve the glory of being the best and win the prize, so the company will gain benefits and its designs will be better. On the opposite, if there is only one designer, he wont bother himself to create a new model. In conclusion, although partnership can boost the quality of the workplace and school, in my view, competition in a healthy environment can improve the entire system.
Marking your essay. This might take a few minutes.
Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
There is no doubt that rivals make each other better. While some people think that having rivalry atin the workplace, school, and everyday life is not a good thing, I would argue that why it is beneficial for people. Competing in a group instead of cooperationcooperating between members can hurt the outcome of an organisation. This is because while people are fighting with each other to gain a better position, some great ideas can be missingoverlooked. For example, consider an advertisementadvertising company where employees are trying to sabotage other models, so they can get the promotion, and it can damage the creativity of the whole system, and they might lose clients. Conversely, if those people work together, they would gain a significant profit. Competition can make humans try harder in order to reach higher positions. It is clear that people can be more creative and hardworking when there are other rivals. For instance, imagine a car factory where there are several designers, and their boss attends a race and prepares a prize for the winner of the best design. At this moment, everyone will do their best to achieve the glory of being the best and win the prize, so the company will gain benefits and its designs will be better. On the oppositeConversely, if there is only one designer, he wontwon't bother himself to create a new model. In conclusion, although partnershipcollaboration can boost the quality of the workplace and school, in my view, competition in a healthy environment can improve the entire system.
This section presents vocabulary suggestions. Highlighted words are either too simple or are repeated more than 3 times . Please note that some suggested alternatives might require changes to other parts of the sentence.
This section presents a professionally wirtten variation of your essay and highlights the differences.
There is no doubt that rivals make each other better. While some people think that having rivalry at the workplace, school, and everyday life is not a good thing, I would argue that why it is beneficial for people.
There is no doubt that rivals can enhance each other's performance. While some people believe that rivalry in the workplace, school, and everyday life is detrimental, I would argue that it can be beneficial for individuals and organizations alike.
Competing in a group instead of cooperation between members can hurt the outcome of an organisation. This is because while people are fighting with each other to gain a better position, some great ideas can be missing. For example, consider an advertisement company where employees are trying to sabotage other models, so they can get the promotion, and it can damage the creativity of the whole system, and they might lose clients. Conversely, if those people work together, they would gain a significant profit.
Competing within a group, rather than fostering cooperation among members, can negatively impact the outcomes of an organization. This is because when individuals are focused on undermining one another to secure a better position, valuable ideas may be overlooked. For example, consider an advertising agency where employees attempt to sabotage each other's campaigns in order to gain promotions. This behavior can stifle creativity and ultimately harm the organization, potentially leading to a loss of clients. Conversely, if these individuals collaborated, they could achieve significant profits and innovative results.
Competition can make humans try harder in order to reach higher positions. It is clear that people can be more creative and hardworking when there are other rivals. For instance, imagine a car factory where there are several designers, and their boss attends a race and prepares a prize for the winner of the best design. At this moment, everyone will do their best to achieve the glory of being the best and win the prize, so the company will gain benefits and its designs will be better. On the opposite, if there is only one designer, he wont bother himself to create a new model.
Competition can motivate individuals to strive harder to attain higher positions. It is evident that people tend to be more creative and industrious when faced with rivals. For instance, imagine a car manufacturing company where several designers are competing for a prize awarded to the best design. In this scenario, each designer will be inspired to put forth their best effort to achieve recognition and win the prize, resulting in improved designs and benefits for the company. In contrast, if there is only one designer, they may lack the motivation to innovate or create new models.
In conclusion, although partnership can boost the quality of the workplace and school, in my view, competition in a healthy environment can improve the entire system.
In conclusion, while collaboration can enhance the quality of work in both the workplace and educational settings, I believe that healthy competition can significantly improve the overall system.
Band Score: 6.5

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Task Response

  • Addressing the Prompt: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both views on competition and cooperation. It provides a clear stance in favor of competition, which is well-articulated in the introduction and conclusion.
  • Development of Ideas: The essay presents relevant examples to support both perspectives. However, the argument for cooperation could be further developed with more specific examples or evidence to balance the discussion.

Coherence and Cohesion

  • Structure and Organization: The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific point, contributing to the overall coherence.
  • Use of Linking Words: Transition words and phrases such as "while," "for example," "conversely," and "in conclusion" are used effectively to connect ideas and guide the reader through the argument.

Lexical Resource

  • Range of Vocabulary: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with words like "rivals," "sabotage," "creativity," and "glory." However, there is room for more varied and sophisticated vocabulary to enhance the argument.
  • Accuracy: The vocabulary is generally used accurately, though there are minor errors, such as "wont" instead of "won't."

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

  • Sentence Structure: The essay uses a variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences, which adds to the readability and engagement of the text.
  • Grammar and Punctuation: There are a few grammatical errors, such as missing articles ("a better position" instead of "better position") and punctuation issues ("wont" instead of "won't"). These errors do not significantly impede understanding but should be addressed for greater accuracy.

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Develop the Argument for Cooperation: Provide more detailed examples or evidence to support the benefits of cooperation, ensuring a balanced discussion.
  2. Enhance Vocabulary: Incorporate more varied and sophisticated vocabulary to strengthen the argument and demonstrate a higher level of lexical resource.
  3. Address Minor Errors: Pay attention to minor grammatical and punctuation errors to improve accuracy and clarity.

Overall, the essay presents a clear and coherent argument with relevant examples. By addressing the suggestions above, the response could be further improved in terms of balance and language sophistication.

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