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Question:
In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?
Response:
Recently, the phenomenon of hard work achievement has triggered a heated debate among people and individuals. Although some emphasise the positives of hard work, others consider the negatives of children's attention to be significant. In this essay, after considering both arguments, I will delve into the potential advantages and drawbacks. From a social standpoint, hard work achievement can provide society with noticeable effects that are rooted in the fact that its merits, as well as the advantages of making design, are crucial. As my own experiment, when I was a student, I conducted academic experiments that discovered the benefits of making designs for children. Thus, the social influences on children's attitudes, are visible. On the other hand, from a financial point of view, the reality of hard work achievements could play a pivotal role in ramifications and outcomes like inflation and taxes. As a tangible example, some academic research undertaken by prestigious universities described the role of children in making designs and provided essential essays with prose on the internet. Hence, the ramification of trying hard enough work is remarkable. In conclusion, there are several compelling arguments on both sides. Nevertheless, I firmly believe that the advantages of trying hard enough work outweigh the drawbacks. Not only do the advantages prove the significance of children's community, but they also pinpoint possible implications.
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Recently, the phenomenon of hard work achievement has triggered a heated debate among people and individuals. Although some emphasise the positivesbenefits of hard work, others consider the negatives ofnegative effects on children's attention to be significant. In this essay, after considering both arguments, I will delve into explore the potential advantages and drawbacks. From a social standpointperspective, hard work achievement can provide society with noticeable effects that are rooted in stem from the fact that its merits, as well as the advantagesbenefits of making design, are crucial. AsIn my own experimentexperience, when I was a student, I conducted academic experiments that discoveredrevealed the benefits of making designs design for children. Thus, the social influences on children's attitudes, are visibleevident. On the other hand, from a financial point of viewperspective, the reality of hard work achievements could play a pivotal role in ramificationsconsequences and outcomes like inflation and taxes. As a tangibleconcrete example, some academic research undertakenconducted by prestigious universities described the role of children in making designs design and provided essential essays with prose on the internet. Hence, the ramificationconsequences of tryingworking hard enough work is are remarkable. In conclusion, there are several compelling arguments on both sides. Nevertheless, I firmly believe that the advantagesbenefits of tryingworking hard enough work outweigh the drawbacks. Not only do the advantages provedemonstrate the significance of children's community, but they also pinpointhighlight possible implications.
This section presents vocabulary suggestions. Highlighted words are either too simple or are repeated more than 3 times . Please note that some suggested alternatives might require changes to other parts of the sentence.
This section presents a professionally wirtten variation of your essay and highlights the differences.
Recently, the phenomenon of hard work achievement has triggered a heated debate among people and individuals. Although some emphasise the positives of hard work, others consider the negatives of children's attention to be significant. In this essay, after considering both arguments, I will delve into the potential advantages and drawbacks.
The importance of hard work in achieving success has become a widely discussed topic. While some highlight its benefits, others express concerns about potential negative impacts on children's wellbeing. This essay will examine both perspectives before reaching a conclusion.
From a social standpoint, hard work achievement can provide society with noticeable effects that are rooted in the fact that its merits, as well as the advantages of making design, are crucial. As my own experiment, when I was a student, I conducted academic experiments that discovered the benefits of making designs for children. Thus, the social influences on children's attitudes, are visible.
From a social perspective, hard work yields significant benefits. When children learn the value of perseverance, they develop important life skills and a strong work ethic. For instance, my personal experience as a student demonstrated how consistent effort in academic projects led to improved problem-solving abilities and greater self-confidence. These qualities clearly contribute to positive social development.
On the other hand, from a financial point of view, the reality of hard work achievements could play a pivotal role in ramifications and outcomes like inflation and taxes. As a tangible example, some academic research undertaken by prestigious universities described the role of children in making designs and provided essential essays with prose on the internet. Hence, the ramification of trying hard enough work is remarkable.
However, there are financial considerations regarding excessive focus on achievement. Intense pressure to succeed may lead to stress-related health issues, potentially resulting in higher medical costs. Research from leading universities has shown that children who face unrealistic expectations often experience anxiety, which can affect their long-term productivity.
In conclusion, there are several compelling arguments on both sides. Nevertheless, I firmly believe that the advantages of trying hard enough work outweigh the drawbacks. Not only do the advantages prove the significance of children's community, but they also pinpoint possible implications.
In conclusion, while hard work undoubtedly brings benefits, it should be balanced with adequate rest and recreation. The key lies in encouraging effort without creating undue pressure, ensuring children develop both competence and emotional resilience.
Band Score: 4

Feedback on Your Essay

Task Achievement

  • Your essay does not fully address the prompt. The question asks about the advantages and disadvantages of telling children they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. However, your response discusses "hard work achievement" in vague terms without clearly linking it to the message given to children.
  • The examples provided (e.g., "making designs for children," "inflation and taxes") are unclear and do not directly support the advantages or disadvantages of the message.
  • The conclusion is abrupt and does not summarize the key points effectively.

Suggestions:

  • Clearly define the message ("you can achieve anything if you try hard enough") and discuss its direct impact on children.
  • Provide specific, relevant examples (e.g., motivation vs. unrealistic expectations).
  • Ensure the conclusion restates the main points concisely.

Coherence and Cohesion

  • The essay lacks logical flow. The ideas jump from "social standpoint" to "financial point of view" without clear transitions.
  • Some sentences are confusing (e.g., "its merits, as well as the advantages of making design, are crucial").
  • The introduction and conclusion are weak, failing to frame the discussion properly.

Suggestions:

  • Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph (e.g., "One advantage is that this message motivates children to pursue their goals.").
  • Improve transitions between ideas (e.g., "However, there are also drawbacks to this mindset.").
  • Avoid vague phrasing—be direct and precise.

Lexical Resource

  • Some word choices are unnatural or incorrect (e.g., "hard work achievement," "ramifications and outcomes like inflation and taxes").
  • Repetition of phrases like "hard work achievement" makes the essay sound awkward.

Suggestions:

  • Use more natural phrasing (e.g., "the belief that hard work leads to success").
  • Expand vocabulary with synonyms (e.g., "benefits" vs. "advantages," "drawbacks" vs. "disadvantages").

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

  • There are grammatical errors (e.g., "its merits, as well as the advantages of making design, are crucial" – missing article before "design").
  • Sentence structure is sometimes unclear (e.g., "the social influences on children's attitudes, are visible" – unnecessary comma).

Suggestions:

  • Review subject-verb agreement and article usage.
  • Simplify complex sentences to improve clarity.

Overall Recommendations

  • Focus on the prompt—discuss how telling children they can achieve anything through effort affects them (e.g., motivation vs. pressure).
  • Use clear, relevant examples (e.g., children developing resilience vs. feeling like failures when they don’t succeed).
  • Improve coherence with better paragraph structure and transitions.
  • Revise grammar and word choice for clarity and accuracy.

A stronger essay would directly address the message's impact on children, provide clear examples, and maintain a logical structure. Keep practicing!

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