In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough.
What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?
Response:
Some cultures encourage children to work hard and by hardworking they can gain everything they want. In other hand, some other cultures don't think in such a way.
The advantages and disadvantages of both ideas will be discussed. For example the advantages of this idea about working hard can prepare children more for future and they will be independent when they grow up. Indeed, the society needs strong people because every body should prepare himself/herself for living in the society so it is better to prepare our children for future and this opinion will help children to be more strong and independent. Childhood will pass soon, thus parents have a vital role to teach their children to gain self-confident. It is obviouse by hardworking you don't need others for fianacial issues so will have more self-confident, but in the other hand, it has some disadvanteges because this idea make children far away from childhood. As you know a child should play and be happy because this time plays a crucial role in adulthood. When children involve in subjects which they relate to adulthood can cause anxiety and frigthening in future and they can not feel joy and happiness, in addition it brings stress and disappointment for their future life. these children will experience the problems and issues of adulthood sooner than others.
Totally, childhood I mean one to seven years old children can influence on their whole life and if perants don't pay attention to this golden time will regret in future.
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Some cultures encourage children to work hard and by hardworkingworking hard they can gain everything they want. InOn the other hand, some other cultures don't think in such a way.
The advantages and disadvantages of both ideas will be discussed. For example, the advantages of this idea about working hard can prepare children more for the future and they will be independent when they grow up. Indeed, the society needs strong people because every body everybodyshould prepare himself/herselfthemselves for living in the society, so it is better to prepare our children for the future and this opinion will help children to be more strong strongerand more independent. Childhood will pass soon, thus parents have a vital role to teachin teaching their children to gain self-confidentconfidence. It is obviouseobvious that by hardworkingworking hard you don't need others for fianacialfinancial issues, so you will have more self-confidentconfidence, but inon the other hand, it has some disadvantegesdisadvantages because this idea makemakes children far away from childhood. As you know, a child should play and be happy because this time plays a crucial role in adulthood. When children involveare involved in subjects which they relate to adulthood, it can cause anxiety and frigtheningfright in the future and they can not cannotfeel joy and happiness,; in addition, it brings stress and disappointment for their future life. theseThese children will experience the problems and issues of adulthood sooner than others.
Totally, childhood—I mean one to seven years old children —can influence on their whole life and if perantsparents don't pay attention to this golden time, they will regret it in the future.
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Some cultures encourage children to work hard and by hardworking they can gain everything they want. Inother hand, some other cultures don'tthink in sucha way.
Some cultures encourage children to work hard, and by being hardworking, they can achieve everything they want. Onthe other hand, some cultures donot think in thisway.
The advantages and disadvantages of both ideas will be discussed. For example the advantages of thisideaaboutworkinghard can prepare children more for future and they will be independent when they grow up. Indeed, the society needs strong people because everybody should prepare himself/herself for living in the societyso it is better to prepare our children for future and this opinion will help children tobemore strong and independent. Childhood willpasssoon, thus parents have a vital role toteach their children to gain self-confident. It is obviousebyhardworkingyoudon'tneed others for fianacial issuessowillhavemore self-confident, butin the other hand, ithas some disadvanteges because thisideamake children far away from childhood. As you know a child should play and be happy because this time plays a crucial role in adulthood. When children involvein subjects whichthey relate to adulthoodcan cause anxiety and frigthening in future and they can not feel joy and happiness, inadditionitbrings stress and disappointment for their future life. these children will experience the problems and issues of adulthood sooner than others.
The advantages and disadvantages of both ideas will be discussed. For example, the advantage of workinghardisthatit can prepare children better for the future, and they will become independent when they grow up. Indeed, society needs strong people because everyoneshould prepare themselves for living in society.Therefore, it is better to prepare our children for the future, and this approach will help children becomestrongerand more independent. Childhood passesquickly;thus, parents have a vital role inteaching their children to gain self-confidence. It is obviousthat,throughhardwork,children do not need others for financial issues,whichcanincreasetheir self-confidence. However, onthe other hand, thisidea has some disadvantages because itcandistance children from childhood. As you know, a child should play and be happy because this time plays a crucial role in adulthood. When children areinvolved in subjects relatedto adulthood,it can cause anxiety and fear in the future, and they may not feel joy and happiness. Additionally, itcanbringstress and disappointment about their future life. These children may experience the problems and issues of adulthood earlier than others.
Totally, childhoodI mean one to seven years oldchildren can influence on their wholelifeandifperantsdon't pay attention to this golden timewillregret in future.
Overall, childhood,which I mean children aged one to seven years old,can influence their entirelives.Ifparentsdonot pay attention to this golden period,theymay regret it in the future.
Band Score: 5
Feedback on Your Essay
Task Achievement
Strengths: You addressed the prompt by discussing both advantages and disadvantages of telling children they can achieve anything through hard work. Your ideas are relevant, and you provided examples to support your points.
Areas for Improvement:
Some points are unclear or underdeveloped. For example, the link between hard work and financial independence needs more explanation.
The conclusion is abrupt and could better summarize the key points.
Avoid vague statements like "some other cultures don't think in such a way"—be more specific.
Coherence and Cohesion
Strengths: You structured your essay with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Some logical connections are present (e.g., "Indeed, the society needs strong people...").
Areas for Improvement:
The flow between ideas is sometimes unclear. Use more linking words (e.g., "On the other hand," "Furthermore," "However") to improve transitions.
Some sentences are too long and confusing (e.g., "When children involve in subjects which they relate to adulthood can cause anxiety and frigthening in future..."). Break them into shorter, clearer sentences.
Lexical Resource (Vocabulary)
Strengths: You use some appropriate vocabulary (e.g., "self-confident," "crucial role," "disappointment").
Areas for Improvement:
Some words are misspelled ("fianacial" → "financial," "frigthening" → "frightening").
Avoid informal phrasing ("it is obviouse" → "it is obvious").
Repetition of words like "hardworking" can be reduced by using synonyms ("perseverance," "effort").
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Strengths: You attempt complex sentences, and some grammar is correct.
Areas for Improvement:
Subject-verb agreement errors ("this idea make children" → "this idea makes children").
Incorrect word forms ("self-confident" → "self-confidence").
Article errors ("the society" → "society").
Unnatural phrasing ("Childhood will pass soon" → "Childhood passes quickly").
Suggestions for Improvement
Clarify and Expand Ideas: Explain how hard work leads to independence and why childhood happiness is important.
Improve Sentence Structure: Use shorter sentences and correct grammar.
Use More Precise Vocabulary: Avoid repetition and check spelling.
Strengthen Cohesion: Add transition words to guide the reader.
With more practice in organizing ideas and refining grammar/vocabulary, your writing will improve significantly. Keep working on clarity and precision!