Question:
Some people think that competition at work, at school, and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than compete against each other. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Response:
Advertising role is not conceal to everyone and undoubtedly this new phenamenon could have important play in temporary life. Big and small busnisses are introduces by ads and their productions can be valuated and regard new. Although this type of informatiom can change market cricles ,have positive and negative impact that can have importantrole in economic system.Finally ,selling period and financial benefit is the end aim of producing and every producer struggle for sucsessing at ths stage and ading a new thing to its procuction ,can be the best way for better selling. For example , when the first pen and pencil wad made,there was not any rival who product the others and for some year the first company was pioneer ,but after years the other persons decided to establish new factories for estationary anf for better selling they had to force have volenteer and they created some different colours to the first pencil.Or the other companey had to add various tastes to proteen products and something eles, Infact this kind of comparison that is born after industrila revolution, established variety of production and individual can ascess their desiers and advertising play a vital and crutial play in bazars that could lead reducing emploees, increasing job and salaries, improvement at production system, saving many and time for distinguish best and needable product that all of the are the positives about advertisng.On the other hand,advertising emphasis on being new of manufaction canhave negative impact on people life .however good ,this type of mention,will raides customeriseing between contries and humanity life woll be in danger, Because factories have to strugle with their components and however creative.they have to manufactor new thins for ever and this will convert to circle.Need to more enery for progressing new and marketable product and conciving individual about them can be dangerous for our planet.in conclusion, by regarding to negative and positive side of advertising ,this is people undertaking to have independant deciding for buy and sell and advertismen can have just an introducer function in industry and market.
Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
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Band Score: 4

Feedback

Task Response

The essay does not adequately address the prompt. The task requires a discussion on the merits of competition versus cooperation in various aspects of life, such as work, school, and daily life. However, the response primarily focuses on advertising and its role in the economy, which is not directly related to the topic. To improve, ensure that the essay directly addresses the prompt by discussing both competition and cooperation, providing relevant examples and a clear opinion.

Coherence and Cohesion

The essay lacks clear organization and logical progression of ideas. The introduction does not clearly state the topic or the writer's position. The body paragraphs are not well-structured, and there is a lack of clear topic sentences. Additionally, the essay jumps between ideas without clear transitions, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument. To enhance coherence, use clear paragraphing with topic sentences and logical transitions between ideas.

Lexical Resource

The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, with several spelling errors and incorrect word forms (e.g., "phenamenon," "valuated," "sucsessing," "volenteer," "raides"). There is also a misuse of some words, such as "conceal" and "regard." To improve, focus on expanding vocabulary and ensuring correct word usage. Proofreading for spelling and word choice errors would also be beneficial.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including incorrect verb forms, subject-verb agreement issues, and sentence fragments. For example, "Advertising role is not conceal to everyone" and "this type of informatiom can change market cricles ,have positive and negative impact." These errors hinder the clarity of the essay. To improve, work on sentence structure, verb tenses, and agreement. Practice writing clear and grammatically correct sentences.

Overall Suggestions

  • Address the Prompt: Ensure that the essay directly responds to the task by discussing competition and cooperation.
  • Organize Ideas: Use clear paragraphing with topic sentences and logical transitions.
  • Expand Vocabulary: Work on using a wider range of vocabulary accurately.
  • Improve Grammar: Focus on writing grammatically correct sentences and reducing errors.
  • Proofread: Carefully check for spelling and grammatical mistakes before finalizing the essay.

By focusing on these areas, the essay can be more aligned with the IELTS writing criteria and effectively communicate the writer's ideas.