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Question:
In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?
Response:
In some nations, it is highly prevalent that adults encourage their children to work hard in order to become successful in any target. While this approach can be beneficial for children, there are some side effects that should not be ignored. Raising children’s awareness about the significant importance of being determined for achieving any goal fosters their self-confidence enough to challenge perspective problems towards success. This strategy of nurturing children helps them pursuing their aims despite facing different obstacles, making them stronger to tackle with difficulties, and leading to attaining self-confident personality.The more they become self-esteemed, the more it facilitates their progression. For example, they can compete with others without any anxiety or being nervous, enhancing their task performance, because they believe that they have the abilities to overcome any problem. However, this approach may make them highly prone to some mental illness. When they are engaged in real competitive world from their formative years, instead of playing games consistent to their age, they may become extremely exhausted and frustrated from thinking like adults. This may lead to some psychological diseases such as depression and adjustment disorder, which are highly hazardous for their overall well-being. As a consequence of these ailments, they may lose their prospective and prosperity. It can be estimated that the proportion of such illnesses are relatively higher in such cultures compared to other parts of the world. In conclusion, although encouraging children to try hard to gain achievements can be advantageous in some aspects, the drawbacks should be recognized properly to make a balanced treatment for children.
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In some nations, it is highly prevalent that adults encourage their children to work hard in order to become successful in any target. While this approach can be beneficial for children, there are some side effects that should not be ignored. Raising children’s awareness about the significant importance of being determined for achievingto achieve any goal fosters their self-confidence enough to challenge perspectivepotential problems towards success. This strategy of nurturing children helps them pursuingpursue their aims despite facing different obstacles, making them stronger to tackle with difficulties, and leading to attaininga self-confident personality. The more they become self-esteemed, the more it facilitates their progression. For example, they can compete with others without any anxiety or being nervousnervousness, enhancing their task performance, because they believe that they have the abilities to overcome any problem. However, this approach may make them highly prone to some mental illnessillnesses. When they are engaged in the real competitive world from their formative years, instead of playing games consistent towith their age, they may become extremely exhausted and frustrated from thinking like adults. This may lead to some psychological diseases such as depression and adjustment disorder, which are highly hazardous for their overall well-being. As a consequence of these ailments, they may lose their prospectiveprospects and prosperity. It can be estimated that the proportion of such illnesses areis relatively higher in such cultures compared to other parts of the world. In conclusion, although encouraging children to try hard to gain achievements can be advantageous in some aspects, the drawbacks should be recognized properly to make a balanced treatmentapproach for children.
This section presents vocabulary suggestions. Highlighted words are either too simple or are repeated more than 3 times . Please note that some suggested alternatives might require changes to other parts of the sentence.
This section presents a professionally wirtten variation of your essay and highlights the differences.
In some nations, it is highly prevalent that adults encourage their children to work hard in order to become successful in any target. While this approach can be beneficial for children, there are some side effects that should not be ignored.
In some nations, it is highly common for adults to encourage their children to work hard to achieve success. While this approach can benefit children, there are potential drawbacks that should not be overlooked.
Raising children’s awareness about the significant importance of being determined for achieving any goal fosters their self-confidence enough to challenge perspective problems towards success. This strategy of nurturing children helps them pursuing their aims despite facing different obstacles, making them stronger to tackle with difficulties, and leading to attaining self-confident personality.The more they become self-esteemed, the more it facilitates their progression. For example, they can compete with others without any anxiety or being nervous, enhancing their task performance, because they believe that they have the abilities to overcome any problem.
Teaching children the importance of determination in pursuing their goals fosters self-confidence, enabling them to overcome challenges. This nurturing strategy helps them persist in their ambitions despite obstacles, strengthening their resilience and cultivating a self-assured personality. The greater their self-esteem, the more it supports their progress. For instance, they can compete with others without anxiety or nervousness, improving their performance, as they believe in their ability to overcome difficulties.
However, this approach may make them highly prone to some mental illness. When they are engaged in real competitive world from their formative years, instead of playing games consistent to their age, they may become extremely exhausted and frustrated from thinking like adults. This may lead to some psychological diseases such as depression and adjustment disorder, which are highly hazardous for their overall well-being. As a consequence of these ailments, they may lose their prospective and prosperity. It can be estimated that the proportion of such illnesses are relatively higher in such cultures compared to other parts of the world.
However, this approach may also make them more susceptible to mental health issues. If children are exposed to intense competition from an early age, rather than engaging in age-appropriate play, they may experience excessive stress and frustration, adopting adult-like concerns prematurely. This could lead to psychological conditions such as depression and adjustment disorders, which significantly harm their well-being. Consequently, these issues may hinder their future prospects. Statistics suggest that such mental health problems are more prevalent in cultures emphasizing early achievement compared to others.
In conclusion, although encouraging children to try hard to gain achievements can be advantageous in some aspects, the drawbacks should be recognized properly to make a balanced treatment for children.
In conclusion, while motivating children to strive for success has its merits, the potential negative effects must be carefully considered to ensure a balanced upbringing.
Band Score: 7

Feedback on the Essay

Task Achievement

  • The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of telling children they can achieve anything through hard work.
  • The response is relevant and provides examples to support the arguments (e.g., fostering self-confidence vs. potential mental health issues).
  • However, the advantages and disadvantages could be developed further with more detailed explanations or additional examples.
  • The conclusion is present but somewhat brief; expanding it to summarize key points more effectively would strengthen the response.

Coherence and Cohesion

  • The essay has a logical structure, with clear paragraphing (introduction, advantages, disadvantages, conclusion).
  • Some sentences are overly long and could be broken down for better readability (e.g., "This strategy of nurturing children helps them pursuing their aims despite facing different obstacles, making them stronger to tackle with difficulties, and leading to attaining self-confident personality.").
  • Transition words could be used more effectively to improve flow between ideas (e.g., "On the other hand," "Furthermore," etc.).
  • Minor grammatical errors (e.g., "tackle with difficulties" should be "tackle difficulties") slightly affect clarity.

Lexical Resource

  • The vocabulary is generally appropriate, with some strong word choices (e.g., "fosters their self-confidence," "highly hazardous," "prospective and prosperity").
  • There are occasional awkward or incorrect word usages (e.g., "challenge perspective problems" could be "face challenges," "self-esteemed" should be "self-confident").
  • More varied and precise vocabulary could enhance the essay (e.g., instead of "side effects," "potential drawbacks" might be better).

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

  • The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, but some sentences are grammatically incorrect or unclear.
  • Errors include:
    • Subject-verb agreement ("helps them pursuing" → "helps them pursue")
    • Article misuse ("from their formative years" is correct, but "from thinking like adults" could be clearer)
    • Preposition errors ("tackle with difficulties" → "tackle difficulties")
  • More accurate grammar and sentence variety would improve clarity and sophistication.

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Expand on key points – Provide more detailed explanations or additional examples for both advantages and disadvantages.
  2. Improve sentence structure – Break down long sentences and correct grammatical errors for better readability.
  3. Enhance transitions – Use linking words more effectively to guide the reader through the argument.
  4. Refine word choice – Ensure vocabulary is used accurately and consider more sophisticated alternatives where appropriate.

Overall, the essay presents a balanced discussion but would benefit from greater clarity, grammatical accuracy, and depth in arguments.

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