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Question:
In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?
Response:
It is argued that children are often taught hardworking is a crucial key to achieve anything in some cultures. In my opinion although this massage can bring inspiration and motivation, at the same time it may lead to stress and disappointment. To begin with, children will be motivated when they are aware of hardworking outcomes. If they know that working hard ends up with success, they will be inspired to put all of their effort. This inspiration encourages them to confidently overcome the challenges through hardships. For example, students who are tested every month during the courses at high school, they will be well-prepared to the entrance exam of the university. However, they may suffer a lot through this path and also spend much time on daily studying, but facing to big challenges will be more attainable for them. On the other hand, there are some drawbacks to accepting hardworking as an only key to success. Children who believe in trying hard may be frustrated in following the skill in which they don’t have talent. For example, a child who has this belief and is not talented in painting will be disappointed when finds out after a lot of endeavor she hasn’t had any improvement. Furthermore, this massage not only may bring frustration but also stress. Children who don’t see any improvement after a lot of endeavors will get stressed for not trying enough. To conclude, teaching children that hard work always bring success is an appropriate way to motivate them; however, this belief may result in mental issues such as frustration and stress.
Marking your essay. This might take a few minutes.
Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
It is argued that children are often taught hardworkinghard work is a crucial key to achieveachieving anything in some cultures. In my opinion, although this massagemessage can bring inspiration and motivation, at the same time it may lead to stress and disappointment. To begin with, children will be motivated when they are aware of hardworkingthe outcomes of hard work. If they know that working hard ends up with leads to success, they will be inspired to put in all of their effort. This inspiration encourages them to confidently overcome the challenges through hardships. For example, students who are tested every month during thetheir courses at high school, they will be well-prepared tofor the entrance exam of the university. However, they may suffer a lot throughon this path and also spend much time on daily studying, but facing to big challenges will be more attainable for them. On the other hand, there are some drawbacks to accepting hardworkinghard work as anthe only key to success. Children who believe in trying hard may be frustrated in following thepursuing a skill in which they don’t have talent. For example, a child who has this belief and is not talented in painting will be disappointed when she finds out after a lot of endeavoreffort that she hasn’t hadmade any improvement. Furthermore, this massagemessage may not only may bring frustration but also stress. Children who don’t see any improvement after a lot of endeavorseffort will get stressed for not trying hard enough. To conclude, teaching children that hard work always bringbrings success is an appropriate way to motivate them; however, this belief may result in mental issues such as frustration and stress.
This section presents vocabulary suggestions. Highlighted words are either too simple or are repeated more than 3 times . Please note that some suggested alternatives might require changes to other parts of the sentence.
This section presents a professionally wirtten variation of your essay and highlights the differences.
It is argued that children are often taught hardworking is a crucial key to achieve anything in some cultures. In my opinion although this massage can bring inspiration and motivation, at the same time it may lead to stress and disappointment.
It is argued that in some cultures, children are often taught that hard work is crucial for achieving success. In my opinion, although this message can inspire and motivate, it may also lead to stress and disappointment.
To begin with, children will be motivated when they are aware of hardworking outcomes. If they know that working hard ends up with success, they will be inspired to put all of their effort. This inspiration encourages them to confidently overcome the challenges through hardships. For example, students who are tested every month during the courses at high school, they will be well-prepared to the entrance exam of the university. However, they may suffer a lot through this path and also spend much time on daily studying, but facing to big challenges will be more attainable for them.
To begin with, children are motivated when they understand the benefits of hard work. If they recognize that perseverance leads to success, they will be inspired to dedicate their efforts. This encouragement helps them confidently overcome challenges. For example, students who undergo regular assessments in high school will be better prepared for university entrance exams. Although this process may be demanding and time-consuming, it equips them to face significant challenges more effectively.
On the other hand, there are some drawbacks to accepting hardworking as an only key to success. Children who believe in trying hard may be frustrated in following the skill in which they don’t have talent. For example, a child who has this belief and is not talented in painting will be disappointed when finds out after a lot of endeavor she hasn’t had any improvement. Furthermore, this massage not only may bring frustration but also stress. Children who don’t see any improvement after a lot of endeavors will get stressed for not trying enough.
On the other hand, there are drawbacks to presenting hard work as the sole key to success. Children who believe in relentless effort may become frustrated when pursuing skills for which they lack natural talent. For instance, a child without artistic ability may feel disheartened after repeated unsuccessful attempts at painting. Additionally, this mindset can induce stress, as children may blame themselves for perceived inadequacies despite their efforts.
To conclude, teaching children that hard work always bring success is an appropriate way to motivate them; however, this belief may result in mental issues such as frustration and stress.
To conclude, while teaching children the value of hard work can motivate them, overemphasizing its role may contribute to frustration and stress. A balanced approach that acknowledges both effort and individual aptitude is essential.
Band Score: 6.5

Here is your feedback based on IELTS writing criteria:

Task Achievement:
The essay addresses the prompt effectively, discussing both advantages and disadvantages of telling children they can achieve anything through hard work. The response is well-structured and meets the minimum word requirement. However, some points could be developed further for greater depth. For example, the advantages could include more specific examples or elaboration on how motivation translates into long-term success. The conclusion is clear but could be slightly more nuanced by acknowledging that balance is key rather than presenting the message as purely positive or negative.

Coherence and Cohesion:
The essay is logically organized, with clear paragraphing and a coherent flow of ideas. Transition words like "To begin with," "On the other hand," and "To conclude" help guide the reader. However, some sentences could be smoother. For instance, "However, they may suffer a lot through this path and also spend much time on daily studying, but facing to big challenges will be more attainable for them" is awkwardly phrased. Rephrasing for clarity would improve cohesion. Additionally, the phrase "this massage" (instead of "message") appears twice, which is a noticeable error.

Lexical Resource:
The vocabulary is generally appropriate, with words like "inspiration," "frustration," and "endeavor" used effectively. However, there are some inaccuracies ("massage" instead of "message," "facing to big challenges" instead of "facing big challenges") and repetitive phrasing (e.g., "hardworking" is overused; synonyms like "persistence" or "effort" could vary the language). More precise word choices would enhance the lexical range.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy:
There are several grammatical errors that affect clarity, such as:

  • "this massage can bring inspiration" (should be "message").
  • "they will be inspired to put all of their effort" (should be "efforts").
  • "facing to big challenges" (should be "facing big challenges").
  • "Children who believe in trying hard may be frustrated in following the skill in which they don’t have talent" (awkward phrasing; better: "may become frustrated when pursuing skills they lack talent for").
  • "this massage not only may bring frustration but also stress" (should be "message" and "may not only bring").

Verb tenses and subject-verb agreement are mostly correct, but sentence structures could be more varied and polished. For example, some sentences are overly simplistic or choppy, which limits the grammatical range.

Suggestions for Improvement:

  1. Proofread carefully to avoid spelling errors (e.g., "message" vs. "massage").
  2. Work on sentence structure variety and complexity to demonstrate a wider grammatical range.
  3. Expand on examples to strengthen task achievement (e.g., how does this message affect children's long-term mindset?).
  4. Use synonyms to avoid repetition (e.g., replace "hardworking" with "perseverance," "effort," or "dedication").
  5. Clarify awkward phrasing (e.g., "facing to big challenges" → "facing major challenges").

Overall, the essay is well-argued but would benefit from tighter grammar, clearer phrasing, and more sophisticated vocabulary.

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