Question:
Some university students want to learn about other subjects in addition to their main subjects. Others believe it is important to give all their time and attention to studying for a qualification. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Response:
Students attend university to improve their prospects and find suitable employment after graduation. For this reason, some feel that they should focus all their energy on their main subjects to gain a relevant qualification. Others want a more well-rounded education, so they try to learn about additional subjects. It is perfectly reasonable for students to enter university with a strong sense of curiosity and a desire to learn as much as possible. Unfortunately, we tend to put subjects into artificial boxes, suggesting that business, art and science are not connected. If students become too focused on a single area, it may stifle their initial curiosity, limiting their potential. They could also graduate with a very narrow skill set that doesn't translate well to the current job market, which often favours those who have taken a multidisciplinary approach to their studies. Despite this, caution is certainly needed. The more we learn about a subject, the more complex it becomes. Gaining an in-depth, specialist knowledge of a subject requires a certain level of focus and dedication over a long period. If we try to learn about too many things at once, our Knowledge may lack the depth required to obtain a qualification. If they are not careful, young people could begin to lose interest in their main subjects, which would be detrimental to their studies. While learning about other subjects is not necessarily a bad thing, I believe university students should ensure that their main subjects remain the priority so that they do not lose sight of their objective: gaining a qualification. Then they can calculate how much time, energy and headspace they have left for learning about other topics.
Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
Students attend university to improve their prospects and find suitable employment after graduation. For this reason, some feel that they should focus all their energy on their mainprimary subjects to gain a relevant qualification. Others want a more well-rounded education, so they try to learn about additional subjects. It is perfectly reasonable for students to enter university with a strong sense of curiosity and a desire to learn as much as possible. Unfortunately, we tend to put subjects into artificial boxes, suggesting that business, art and science are not connected. If students become too focused on a single area, it may stifle their initial curiosity, limiting their potential. They could also graduate with a very narrow skill set that doesn't translate well to the current job market, which often favours those who have taken a multidisciplinary approach to their studies. Despite this, caution is certainly needed. The more we learn about a subject, the more complex it becomes. Gaining an in-depth, specialist knowledge of a subject requires a certain level of focus and dedication over a long period. If we try to learn about too many things at once, our Knowledgeknowledge may lack the depth required to obtain a qualification. If they are not careful, young people could begin to lose interest in their mainprimary subjects, which would be detrimental to their studies. While learning about other subjects is not necessarily a bad thing, I believe university students should ensure that their mainprimary subjects remain the priority so that they do not lose sight of their objective: gaining a qualification. Then they can calculate how much time, energy and headspace they have left for learning about other topics.
Band Score: 8

Task Achievement

The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both views on whether university students should focus solely on their main subjects or explore additional subjects. The writer provides a balanced discussion, presenting arguments for both sides and concluding with a clear personal opinion. The response is relevant and adequately developed, meeting the task requirements.

Coherence and Cohesion

The essay is well-organized, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing each viewpoint, and a conclusion that states the writer's opinion. The use of cohesive devices such as "for this reason," "unfortunately," "despite this," and "while" helps to guide the reader through the argument. However, the transition between the second and third paragraphs could be smoother to enhance the overall flow of ideas.

Lexical Resource

The writer demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, using terms like "well-rounded education," "multidisciplinary approach," "in-depth, specialist knowledge," and "detrimental." The vocabulary is appropriate for the topic and is used accurately. There are no noticeable errors in word choice or usage, indicating a strong lexical resource.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

The essay exhibits a variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences, which contribute to the clarity and sophistication of the writing. The grammar is generally accurate, with only minor errors, such as the unnecessary capitalization of "Knowledge" in the third paragraph. Overall, the grammatical range and accuracy are commendable.

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Coherence and Cohesion: Improve the transition between the second and third paragraphs to enhance the logical flow of ideas. Consider using a linking sentence or phrase to connect the discussion of the benefits of a multidisciplinary approach with the potential drawbacks of losing focus on main subjects.

  2. Grammatical Accuracy: Correct the capitalization error in the third paragraph ("Knowledge" should be "knowledge").

  3. Expansion: While the essay is well-developed, consider providing specific examples or evidence to support the arguments, which could strengthen the discussion and make it more persuasive.

Overall, the essay effectively addresses the task, demonstrating a good command of language and a clear understanding of the topic. With minor improvements, it could be even more compelling and cohesive.

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