Question:
Some university students want to learn about other subjects in addition to their main subjects. Others believe it is important to give all their time and attention to studying for a qualification. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Response:
There are opposing ideas whether students should focus on their main major of study or they can follow other subjects besides their principal one. I stand with the latter statement. On the one hand, those who believe in concentrating on a main qualification define it as the solution to reach maximum function. As individuals pay all their attention to a subject, they are more likely to become experts in that specific area. For example, there is a psychological theory which indicates that if people spend 10,000 hours channeling all their attention to a specific subject, they will become masters. In addition, considering the fact that students may struggle with many distractions, following a unique pattern lowers the chance of dealing with disruptions. On the other hand, many students, including myself, believe that a broader understanding of various subjects is beneficial for young generation. Nowadays, living in a global village has uplifted the demand to acquire sufficient knowledge in order to make progress on a social scale. If students learn various aspects of science along with their major field of study, they will be able to address the challenges of living in a multi-dimensional world and promote an erudite society. For example, if biology students learn about economics, they can overcome possible financial difficulties in their future lives. In conclusion, while concentrating on a single subject may offer some benefits academically, it is of paramount importance to consider all aspects of an individual's interests besides their main subjects.
Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
There are opposing ideas about whether students should focus on their main major of study or they can follow other subjects besidesalongside their principal one. I stand with the latter statement. On the one hand, those who believe in concentrating on a main qualification define it as the solution to reach maximum functioneffectiveness. As individuals pay all their attention to a subject, they are more likely to become experts in that specific area. For example, there is a psychological theory which indicates that if people spend 10,000 hours channeling all their attention to a specific subject, they will become masters. In addition, considering the fact that students may struggle with many distractions, following a unique patternpath lowers the chance of dealing with disruptions. On the other hand, many students, including myself, believe that a broader understanding of various subjects is beneficial for youngthe younger generation. Nowadays, living in a global village has upliftedincreased the demand to acquire sufficient knowledge in order to make progress on a social scale. If students learn various aspects of science along with their major field of study, they will be able to address the challenges of living in a multi-dimensional world and promote an erudite society. For example, if biology students learn about economics, they can overcome possible financial difficulties in their future lives. In conclusion, while concentrating on a single subject may offer some benefits academically, it is of paramount importance to consider all aspects of an individual's interests besidesbeyond their main subjects.
Band Score: 7

Feedback

Task Achievement

  • Response to the Prompt: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both views on whether university students should focus solely on their main subject or explore additional subjects. However, the essay falls slightly short of the minimum word count requirement of 250 words, which may impact the overall task achievement.
  • Position: Your position is clear, as you support the idea of students learning about other subjects in addition to their main ones. This is effectively communicated in the introduction and conclusion.
  • Examples and Support: The essay provides relevant examples, such as the 10,000-hour rule and the benefits of biology students learning economics. These examples help to illustrate the points made, but further elaboration could strengthen the argument.

Coherence and Cohesion

  • Organization: The essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing each view, and a conclusion. Each paragraph logically follows the previous one.
  • Cohesive Devices: Cohesive devices such as "on the one hand," "on the other hand," and "in conclusion" are used effectively to guide the reader through the argument. However, more varied linking words and phrases could enhance the flow of ideas.

Lexical Resource

  • Vocabulary: The vocabulary used is appropriate and relevant to the topic. Words like "principal," "erudite," and "multi-dimensional" demonstrate a good range of vocabulary.
  • Precision and Variety: While the vocabulary is generally precise, incorporating a wider variety of expressions and synonyms could further enhance the lexical resource.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

  • Sentence Structures: The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including complex sentences. This variety helps to convey ideas clearly.
  • Grammar and Punctuation: There are no significant grammatical errors, and punctuation is used correctly. However, minor improvements in sentence complexity and variety could be beneficial.

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Expand the Essay: Ensure the essay meets the minimum word count of 250 words by expanding on ideas or providing additional examples.
  2. Enhance Cohesion: Use a wider range of cohesive devices to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
  3. Increase Lexical Variety: Incorporate more varied vocabulary and expressions to demonstrate a higher level of lexical resource.
  4. Develop Ideas Further: Provide more detailed explanations and examples to support your arguments, particularly in the paragraph supporting your opinion.

Overall, the essay presents a clear argument with relevant examples, but it could benefit from further development and variety in language use.