Question:
It is important for people to take risks, both in their professional lives and their personal lives. Do you think the advantages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages?
Response:
It is a debated topic whether people should take risks in different aspects of their lives. Although it has advantages such as arising new opportunities or growing as a person, it has its downsides: experiencing setbacks in the professional part of life and losing great relationships due to a drop in reputation. This essay will cover them in further detail. First, taking risks opens doors for some leading to job promotion or a salary raise in terms of profession. Some companies believe innovation and changing things up can benefit business, hence when workers, especially marketing managers, come up with intelligent ideas, bosses give it a try in hopes of successful revenue. This is a famous method used by engineers. Secondly, being risky when it comes to personal life can develop a person in terms of resilience nullifying them to commonly unpleasant experiences, technically insinuating exposure therapy. Individuals with social anxiety and fear of public speaking eventually stop being scared with repetition. However, it is not fail-proof; thus, major setbacks can occur after making risky decisions. Opposing the first advantage, financial stability and job security are under threat due to lapses in judgment. In addition, personal connections are at a gamble. For instance, proposing in the early stages of a relationship can negatively impact the bond between the two individuals leading to failure. To conclude, while taking risks in personal and professional lives is pivotal for advancements, it has its pros and cons. The upsides are the arising opportunities and the personal upgrades such as improved patience that comes with it. On the other hand, the disadvantages are significant loss in job security, relationships, and reputation.
Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
It is a debated topic whether people should take risks in different aspects of their lives. Although it has advantages such as arising new opportunities or growing as a person, it has its downsides: experiencing setbacks in the professional part of life and losing great relationships due to a dropdecline in reputation. This essay will cover them in further detail. First, taking risks opens doors for some leading to job promotionpromotions or a salary raiseincrease in terms of profession. Some companies believe innovation and changing things up can benefit business,; hence, when workers, especially marketing managers, come up with intelligent ideas, bosses give it a try in hopes of successful revenue. This is a famous method used by engineers. Secondly, being risky when it comes to personal life can develop a person in terms of resilience, nullifying them to commonly unpleasant experiences, technically insinuating exposure therapy. Individuals with social anxiety and fear of public speaking eventually stop being scared with repetition. However, it is not fail-proof; thus, major setbacks can occur after making risky decisions. Opposing the first advantage, financial stability and job security are under threat due to lapses in judgment. In addition, personal connections are at a gamblerisk. For instance, proposing in the early stages of a relationship can negatively impact the bond between the two individuals, leading to failure. To conclude, while taking risks in personal and professional lives is pivotal for advancements, it has its pros and cons. The upsides are the arising opportunities and the personal upgrades such as improved patience that comescome with it. On the other hand, the disadvantages are significant losslosses in job security, relationships, and reputation.
Band Score: 7

Task Achievement

The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of taking risks in professional and personal lives. The writer provides examples to support their points, such as job promotions and personal development through exposure therapy. However, the essay could benefit from a clearer stance on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. The conclusion summarizes the points but does not explicitly state which side is stronger, leaving the reader uncertain about the writer's position.

Coherence and Cohesion

The essay is generally well-organized, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, which aids in maintaining coherence. However, the transitions between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing professional risks to personal risks could be more clearly delineated. Additionally, the conclusion could be more effectively linked to the main body by reiterating the key points and providing a definitive stance.

Lexical Resource

The vocabulary used in the essay is appropriate and varied, with terms like "innovation," "resilience," and "financial stability" effectively conveying the intended meaning. However, there are some awkward phrases, such as "nullifying them to commonly unpleasant experiences," which could be rephrased for clarity. The essay could also benefit from more varied expressions to enhance lexical richness.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar, with mostly accurate sentence structures and verb tenses. There are a few minor errors, such as "being risky when it comes to personal life" which could be rephrased as "taking risks in one's personal life." Additionally, the phrase "technically insinuating exposure therapy" is somewhat unclear and could be rephrased for better understanding. Overall, the grammatical range is adequate, but there is room for improvement in precision and clarity.

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Clarify Position: Clearly state whether the advantages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages in the introduction and conclusion.
  2. Enhance Transitions: Use more cohesive devices to improve the flow between paragraphs and ideas.
  3. Refine Vocabulary: Rephrase awkward expressions and incorporate more varied vocabulary to enhance lexical resource.
  4. Improve Clarity: Ensure that all sentences are clear and precise, particularly those that may confuse the reader.

By addressing these areas, the essay can be more persuasive and effectively communicate the writer's viewpoint.

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