Question:
Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?
Response:
In the increasingly digitalized world, school-aged people spend long hours on utilizing their cold hard digital devices. From my perspective, this is because they are streamlined with the World Wide Web which is unlimited and I consider it as a positive development. On the one hand, tampering with the cellphones may negatively affect children's health. To clarify, they usually spend a vast amount of their spare time playing online games. Not only does it endanger their physical well-being, but it also can pose a threat to their mental health. Indeed, the more they gaze into their smartphones, the more they may suffer from poor eye-sight and spinal-related matters. Moreover, since during playing online games they should assisst characters by killing and stabing, they will encounter with some problems like anxiety, stress and depression. This is because they cannot distinguish between real world and visual world. On the other hand, enganging with online games comes with multitude benefits. For instance, it leads to eye, brain and hand coordination because while children are playing, there are various commands that must be transmitted from brain to other organs of the body. Furthermore, a wide variety of applications related to education are installed on school aged children's smartphones. As a result of technological revolution individuals have easy access to a wide range of information, and they can benefit frome numerous online courses regardless of their location. As an illustration, my old friend took part in a Python course under the supervision of a knowledgeable professor in Oxford university last year, while he was living in Iran. In conclusion, even though if children do not utilize thier smart gadgets like cellphones properly, they might threaten their physical and psycological well-being, I firmly believe that they improve coordinating individuals' eye, brain and hand. Nevertheless, they are able to enhance their knowledge using their smart gadgets. Therefore the pros outweigh the cons.
Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
In the increasingly digitalizeddigitalised world, school-aged people spend long hours on utilizing utilising their cold hard digital devices. From my perspective, this is because they are streamlined withconnected to the World Wide Web, which is unlimited, and I consider it as a positive development. On the one hand, tampering with the cellphones may negatively affect children's health. To clarify, they usually spend a vast amount of their spare time playing online games. Not only does it endanger their physical well-being, but it can also can pose a threat to their mental health. Indeed, the more they gaze into their smartphones, the more they may suffer from poor eye-sighteyesight and spinal-related mattersissues. Moreover, since during playing online games they should assisstassist characters by killing and stabingstabbing, they will encounter with some problems like anxiety, stress, and depression. This is because they cannot distinguish between the real world and visualthe virtual world. On the other hand, engangingengaging with online games comes with a multitude of benefits. For instance, it leads to eye, brain, and hand coordination because while children are playing, there are various commands that must be transmitted from the brain to other organs of the body. Furthermore, a wide variety of applications related to education are installed on school -aged children's smartphones. As a result of the technological revolution, individuals have easy access to a wide range of information, and they can benefit fromefrom numerous online courses regardless of their location. As an illustration, my old friend took part in a Python course under the supervision of a knowledgeable professor inat Oxford universityUniversity last year, while he was living in Iran. In conclusion, even though if children do not utilize thierutilise their smart gadgets like cellphones properly, they might threaten their physical and psycologicalpsychological well-being, I firmly believe that they improve coordinating individuals' eye, brain, and hand coordination. Nevertheless, they are able to enhance their knowledge using their smart gadgets. Therefore, the pros outweigh the cons.
Band Score: 6.5

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Task Achievement

  • Addressing the Prompt: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by discussing why children spend hours on smartphones and evaluating whether this is a positive or negative development. However, the essay could benefit from a clearer structure in addressing these points separately.
  • Position: The writer's position is clear, stating that the development is positive. However, the essay could benefit from a more balanced discussion of both positive and negative aspects before concluding.
  • Examples and Support: The essay provides examples, such as the mention of a friend taking a Python course, which supports the argument about educational benefits. However, more specific examples or data could strengthen the argument about the negative impacts on health.

Coherence and Cohesion

  • Organization: The essay is organized into paragraphs, but the transition between discussing negative and positive aspects could be smoother. Consider using linking words or phrases to guide the reader through the argument.
  • Cohesion: Some sentences could be better connected to improve the flow of ideas. For instance, the transition from discussing health impacts to educational benefits is abrupt.

Lexical Resource

  • Vocabulary: The essay uses a range of vocabulary, such as "streamlined," "tampering," and "technological revolution." However, some word choices are awkward or incorrect, such as "tampering with the cellphones" and "enganging with online games."
  • Spelling and Word Form: There are several spelling errors, such as "assisst," "stabing," "enganging," "frome," and "thier." These should be corrected to improve clarity and professionalism.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

  • Sentence Structure: The essay demonstrates a variety of sentence structures, but some sentences are overly complex or awkwardly phrased, which can obscure meaning. For example, "Not only does it endanger their physical well-being, but it also can pose a threat to their mental health" could be simplified for clarity.
  • Grammar: There are some grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ("they should assisst characters") and incorrect use of articles ("a wide variety of applications related to education are installed").
  • Punctuation: Ensure correct punctuation, especially in complex sentences, to enhance readability.

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Structure: Clearly separate the discussion of negative and positive aspects into distinct paragraphs. Use clear topic sentences to guide the reader.
  2. Balance: While the essay concludes that the positives outweigh the negatives, ensure that both sides are discussed with equal depth before reaching a conclusion.
  3. Language: Review and correct spelling and grammatical errors. Simplify complex sentences to improve clarity.
  4. Cohesion: Use linking words and phrases to improve the flow of ideas between paragraphs and within them.

By addressing these areas, the essay can present a more balanced and coherent argument, with improved clarity and precision in language use.

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