Question:
In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an aging population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an aging population outweigh the disadvantages?
Response:
in the current climate, life expectations in many nations have increased significantly, leading communities to have more elder people. This trend does have numerous benefits and drawbacks. I wholeheartedly believe that the advantages pale in comparison to disadvantages. The elderly may bring about several beneficial points. Firstly, they can be perfect guides for the younger generation of a society. As obvious as it may seem, the old have more experience concerning various aspects of life, as many events have happened to them. In other words, old people can convey their experiences to the young that may not be acquainted with different issues. As a result, the youth are able to benefit from seniors. An aging population, on the other hand, might cause numerous challenges for governments. The elderly are often retired, so they are not among workforce. What can be inferred from this statement is that these individuals are less likely to contribute to the economic prosperity. Conversely, those who are not among the circle of active workers can have adverse effects on the economy of a country. Not only are not seniors productive, since they are out of work, they are paid monthly pensions. Furthermore, old people are often physically weaker, so they may be in need of healthcare services more than other age groups. This issue can have detrimental implications on the economy, as well. To explain more, Instead of building schools and higher institutes of education, for example, to enhance the literacy rate, the government should construct hospitals and medical centers to cope with health problems of the old. In conclusion, in spite of the fact that an aging population can bring about several positive outcomes for territories, I contend that the elderly might create more problems. First of all, they are usually unemplyed. Additionally, they need heathcare services. Both of these factors inevitably lead to the weaker economic status.
Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
inIn the current climate, life expectationsexpectancy in many nations havehas increased significantly, leading communities to have more elderelderly people. This trend does have numerous benefits and drawbacks. I wholeheartedly believe that the advantages pale in comparison to the disadvantages. The elderly may bring about several beneficial points. Firstly, they can be perfect guides for the younger generation of a society. As obvious as it may seem, the old have more experience concerning various aspects of life, as many events have happened to them. In other words, oldolder people can convey their experiences to the young thatwho may not be acquainted with different issues. As a result, the youth are able to benefit from seniors. An aging population, on the other hand, might cause numerous challenges for governments. The elderly are often retired, so they are not amongpart of the workforce. What can be inferred from this statement is that these individuals are less likely to contribute to the economic prosperity. Conversely, those who are not amongpart of the circle of active workers can have adverse effects on the economy of a country. Not only are not seniors productiveunproductive, since they are out of work, but they are also paid monthly pensions. Furthermore, oldolder people are often physically weaker, so they may be in need of healthcare services more than other age groups. This issue can have detrimental implications onfor the economy, as well. To explain morefurther, Insteadinstead of building schools and higher institutes of education, for example, to enhance the literacy rate, the government should construct hospitals and medical centerscentres to cope with the health problems of the oldelderly. In conclusion, in spite of the fact that an aging population can bring about several positive outcomes for territories, I contend that the elderly might create more problems. First of all, they are usually unemplyedunemployed. Additionally, they need heathcarehealthcare services. Both of these factors inevitably lead to thea weaker economic status.
Band Score: 6

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Task Achievement

  • Response to the Prompt: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of an aging population. However, the conclusion could be more explicitly linked to the prompt by clearly stating whether the advantages or disadvantages outweigh the other.
  • Position: Your position is clear, as you state that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. However, the essay could benefit from a more balanced discussion of both sides before reaching this conclusion.

Coherence and Cohesion

  • Organization: The essay is organized into clear paragraphs, each focusing on a specific point. However, the transition between the advantages and disadvantages could be smoother. Consider using linking words or phrases to enhance the flow between ideas.
  • Cohesion: While the essay is generally cohesive, some sentences could be better connected. For example, the transition from discussing the elderly's experience to their economic impact could be more seamless.

Lexical Resource

  • Vocabulary: The vocabulary used is appropriate for the topic, but there are some areas where word choice could be improved. For instance, "life expectations" should be "life expectancy," and "elder people" should be "elderly people."
  • Variety: There is a reasonable variety of vocabulary, but further diversification could enhance the essay. Try to use synonyms or more specific terms to avoid repetition.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

  • Grammar: The essay contains some grammatical errors, such as "Not only are not seniors productive" which should be "Not only are seniors not productive." Additionally, "unemplyed" should be "unemployed," and "heathcare" should be "healthcare."
  • Sentence Structure: The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentences, which is good. However, some sentences are awkwardly structured and could be rephrased for clarity and conciseness.

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Clarify Position: Make sure your conclusion clearly states whether the advantages or disadvantages of an aging population outweigh the other, and ensure this is supported by the body paragraphs.
  2. Enhance Cohesion: Use more linking words and phrases to improve the flow between paragraphs and ideas.
  3. Improve Vocabulary and Grammar: Pay attention to word choice and grammatical accuracy. Proofreading your essay can help catch errors.
  4. Balance the Discussion: While you have a clear stance, providing a more balanced discussion of both sides before concluding can strengthen your argument.

Overall, the essay presents a clear argument but could benefit from improved coherence, vocabulary precision, and grammatical accuracy.