Writing evaluation result for: Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures... - Balang

Question:

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Response:

Some people argue that music can be viewed as a great way to bring people with diffrente culture and background together. Personally, I believe music is a strong tool that can bring people together and foster a sense of community among people. Music play a crucial role in peopl's lives. Throught history, music has had the power to bring people together and make their special moments more enjoyable and memorable. For exmple, music often is played in almost of all special events like weddings and birthdays to make people happier. Therefore while,they spend quality of time with realtives music adds joy and sentimenatl value to their gathering. They often remmber this events by music that was played , which emphsaizes the value of musics. Furthermore, music significantly can foster a sense of unity and community among people. Individuals can enjoy special events together by music, even though they may not know each other. For instance, it can be seen in many festivals and special events, people from various cultures and different languages come together to dance, laugh, make memorable moments together which not only provide a sense of communit but also improve their mental health. Additionally ,It is common knowledege that in many revolutions and public protests people often sign a specific music. this shows that music can strenghten community bonds In conclusion, music should be considered as an effective way that not only can make special moments more enjoyable and memeorable for people but aslo can strenthegen community bonds.

Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.

Some people argue that music can be viewed as a great way to bring people with diffrente culturedifferent cultures and backgroundbackgrounds together. Personally, I believe music is a strong tool that can bring people together and foster a sense of community among peoplethem. Music playplays a crucial role in peoplpeople's lives. ThroughtThroughout history, music has had the power to bring people together and make their special moments more enjoyable and memorable. For exmpleexample, music is often is played in almost of all special events like weddings and birthdays to make people happier. Therefore, while, they spend quality of time with realtivesrelatives, music adds joy and sentimenatlsentimental value to their gathering. They often remmber thisremember these events by the music that was played, which emphsaizesemphasizes the value of musicsmusic. Furthermore, music can significantly can foster a sense of unity and community among people. Individuals can enjoy special events together bythrough music, even though they may not know each other. For instance, it can be seen in many festivals and special events, people from various cultures and different languages come together to dance, laugh, and make memorable moments together, which not only provideprovides a sense of communitcommunity but also improveimproves their mental health. Additionally,It it is common knowledegeknowledge that in many revolutions and public protests, people often signsing a specific musicsong. thisThis shows that music can strenghtenstrengthen community bonds. In conclusion, music should be considered as an effective way that not only can make special moments more enjoyable and memeorablememorable for people but asloalso can strenthegenstrengthen community bonds.

This section presents a professionally wirtten variation of your essay and highlights the differences.

Some people argue that music can be viewed as a great way to bring people with diffrente culture and background together. Personally, I believe music is a strong tool that can bring people together and foster a sense of community among people.

Some people argue that music can be viewed as a great way to bring people with different cultures and backgrounds together. Personally, I believe music is a powerful tool that can unite people and foster a sense of community.

Music play a crucial role in peopl's lives. Throught history, music has had the power to bring people together and make their special moments more enjoyable and memorable. For exmple, music often is played in almost of all special events like weddings and birthdays to make people happier. Therefore while,they spend quality of time with realtives music adds joy and sentimenatl value to their gathering. They often remmber this events by music that was played , which emphsaizes the value of musics.

Music plays a crucial role in people's lives. Throughout history, music has had the power to bring people together and make special moments more enjoyable and memorable. For example, music is often played at almost all special events, such as weddings and birthdays, to enhance happiness. While people spend quality time with relatives, music adds joy and sentimental value to their gatherings. They often remember these events by the music that was played, which emphasizes the value of music.

Furthermore, music significantly can foster a sense of unity and community among people. Individuals can enjoy special events together by music, even though they may not know each other. For instance, it can be seen in many festivals and special events, people from various cultures and different languages come together to dance, laugh, make memorable moments together which not only provide a sense of communit but also improve their mental health. Additionally ,It is common knowledege that in many revolutions and public protests people often sign a specific music. this shows that music can strenghten community bonds

Furthermore, music can significantly foster a sense of unity and community among people. Individuals can enjoy special events together through music, even if they do not know each other. For instance, at many festivals and special events, people from various cultures and linguistic backgrounds come together to dance, laugh, and create memorable moments. This not only provides a sense of community but also improves their mental well-being. Additionally, it is common knowledge that during many revolutions and public protests, people often sing a specific song. This demonstrates that music can strengthen community bonds.

In conclusion, music should be considered as an effective way that not only can make special moments more enjoyable and memeorable for people but aslo can strenthegen community bonds.

In conclusion, music should be considered an effective way not only to make special moments more enjoyable and memorable but also to strengthen community bonds.

Band Score: 6

Feedback on Your Essay

Task Achievement:

Your essay addresses the prompt and presents a clear opinion, agreeing that music brings people of different cultures and ages together.
The ideas are relevant, but some examples could be more developed. For instance, mentioning specific songs or historical events where music united people would strengthen your argument.
There are some minor inaccuracies in grammar and word choice (e.g., "diffrente" instead of "different," "peopl's" instead of "people's"), which slightly affect clarity.

Coherence and Cohesion:

The essay has a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Some transitions could be smoother. For example, "Furthermore" works well, but phrases like "Therefore while" are awkward and disrupt flow.
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more concise.

Lexical Resource:

There is a good range of vocabulary (e.g., "foster a sense of community," "strengthen bonds"), but some words are misspelled (e.g., "exmple," "sentimenatl," "strenthegen").
Avoid informal phrasing like "common knowledege" and ensure correct word forms (e.g., "sign a specific music" should be "sing a specific song").

Grammatical Range and Accuracy:

There are several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement ("music play" should be "music plays"), incorrect prepositions ("in almost of all" should be "in almost all"), and awkward phrasing ("They often remmber this events by music that was played").
Work on sentence structure to improve clarity. For example, "Individuals can enjoy special events together by music" could be rephrased as "Music allows individuals to enjoy special events together."

Suggestions for Improvement:

Proofread carefully to correct spelling and grammar mistakes.
Expand examples with more specific details (e.g., name a song or event where music united people).
Improve transitions between ideas for smoother flow.
Use more precise vocabulary and avoid informal expressions.

Overall, your essay has a strong foundation but would benefit from more attention to grammar, word choice, and clarity. Keep practicing!

See more samples for this question