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Question:
Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?
Response:
Nowadays, most of the children have cellphones and use them daily. There are various reasons why children spend hours on the technology devices, including playing games or studying. While this situation can be profitable for them, like increasing their knowledge, in my view, the drawbacks, such as obesity, have brought more significant consequences. In the light of recent developments in technology, the life of humanity has undergone serious changes, and the children, regardless of gender and age, are not exceptional. The most usable technology devices for children are smartphones. There are several reasons in this case. Firstly, after COVID pandemic, the online classes have become common among them; therefore, the educational aspect of these devices has a vital impact on the amount of time children spend. In addition, online games and social media platforms, like TikTalks and YouTube make a significant contribution in spending more hours on phones. In this way, playing and exploring develop as habits in children. For example, children after online classes, or even alongside with their classes, play online games with their friends. As a result, acquiring knowledge and enhancing skills are the potential benefits that children can gain through watching videos on YouTube and playing stimulation games, however these devices have far-reaching consequences. The most important one is obesity. In fact, children who play games, by sitting and watching the monitors, they become inactive, which leads to have the sedentary lifestyle. For instance, students strive to be more active on the online platforms, so their homework are sacrificed to have more time to play. Moreover, the health problems are caused, too. Having the weak eyes are the most crucial effects of spending hours on smartphones. In conclusion, in recent decades, the popularity of cellphones among children has increased significantly, and they are several motivations to use phones, such as playing games. Although this situation carries certain advantages, such as gaining new information, in my opinion, this trend is a negative development because of its potential drawbacks, including having sedentary life and obesity.
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Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
Nowadays, most of the children have cellphones and use them daily. There are various reasons why children spend hours on the technology devices, including playing games or studying. While this situation can be profitablebeneficial for them, like increasing their knowledge, in my view, the drawbacks, such as obesity, have brought more significant consequences. In the light of recent developments in technology, the lifelives of humanity hashave undergone serious changes, and the children, regardless of gender and age, are not exceptionalexceptions. The most usablecommon technology devices for children are smartphones. There are several reasons in this case. Firstly, after the COVID pandemic, the online classes have become common among them; therefore, the educational aspect of these devices has a vital impact on the amount of time children spend. In addition, online games and social media platforms, like TikTalksTikTok and YouTube, make a significant contribution into spending more hours on phones. In this way, playing and exploring develop as habits in children. For example, children after online classes, or even alongside with their classes, play online games with their friends. As a result, acquiring knowledge and enhancing skills are the potential benefits that children can gain through watching videos on YouTube and playing stimulationsimulation games,; however, these devices have far-reaching consequences. The most important one is obesity. In fact, children who play games, by sitting and watching the monitors, they screens become inactive, which leads to have the a sedentary lifestyle. For instance, students strive to be more active on the online platforms, so their homework areis sacrificed to have more time to play. Moreover, the health problems are caused, too. Having the weak eyes areeyesight is one of the most crucial effects of spending hours on smartphones. In conclusion, in recent decades, the popularity of cellphones among children has increased significantly, and theythere are several motivations to use phones, such as playing games. Although this situation carries certain advantages, such as gaining new information, in my opinion, this trend is a negative development because of its potential drawbacks, including havingleading a sedentary life and obesity.
This section presents vocabulary suggestions. Highlighted words are either too simple or are repeated more than 3 times . Please note that some suggested alternatives might require changes to other parts of the sentence.
This section presents a professionally wirtten variation of your essay and highlights the differences.
Nowadays, most of the children have cellphones and use them daily. There are various reasons why children spend hours on the technology devices, including playing games or studying. While this situation can be profitable for them, like increasing their knowledge, in my view, the drawbacks, such as obesity, have brought more significant consequences. In the light of recent developments in technology, the life of humanity has undergone serious changes, and the children, regardless of gender and age, are not exceptional. The most usable technology devices for children are smartphones. There are several reasons in this case. Firstly, after COVID pandemic, the online classes have become common among them; therefore, the educational aspect of these devices has a vital impact on the amount of time children spend. In addition, online games and social media platforms, like TikTalks and YouTube make a significant contribution in spending more hours on phones. In this way, playing and exploring develop as habits in children. For example, children after online classes, or even alongside with their classes, play online games with their friends. As a result, acquiring knowledge and enhancing skills are the potential benefits that children can gain through watching videos on YouTube and playing stimulation games, however these devices have far-reaching consequences. The most important one is obesity. In fact, children who play games, by sitting and watching the monitors, they become inactive, which leads to have the sedentary lifestyle. For instance, students strive to be more active on the online platforms, so their homework are sacrificed to have more time to play. Moreover, the health problems are caused, too. Having the weak eyes are the most crucial effects of spending hours on smartphones. In conclusion, in recent decades, the popularity of cellphones among children has increased significantly, and they are several motivations to use phones, such as playing games. Although this situation carries certain advantages, such as gaining new information, in my opinion, this trend is a negative development because of its potential drawbacks, including having sedentary life and obesity.
Here is a corrected and optimized version of your essay: --- In today's world, most children own cellphones and use them on a daily basis. There are various reasons why children spend hours on these technological devices, including playing games and studying. While this situation can be beneficial, such as enhancing their knowledge, I believe that the drawbacks, particularly obesity, have more significant consequences. Recent developments in technology have profoundly changed human life, and children, regardless of gender and age, are no exception. The most commonly used technological devices among children are smartphones. Several factors contribute to this trend. Firstly, following the COVID-19 pandemic, online classes have become commonplace, which significantly impacts the amount of time children spend on these devices for educational purposes. Additionally, online games and social media platforms, such as TikTok and YouTube, play a substantial role in increasing screen time. Consequently, playing and exploring these platforms become habitual for children. For example, many children engage in online gaming with their friends after or even during their classes. As a result, acquiring knowledge and enhancing skills are potential benefits that children can gain from watching educational videos on YouTube and playing stimulating games. However, these devices also have far-reaching negative consequences. The most significant issue is obesity. In fact, children who spend hours playing games while sitting and staring at screens become increasingly inactive, leading to a sedentary lifestyle. For instance, students often prioritize their online activities over their homework, sacrificing their academic responsibilities to have more time for gaming. Furthermore, health problems arise as a consequence, with poor eyesight being one of the most critical effects of prolonged smartphone use. In conclusion, the popularity of cellphones among children has surged in recent decades, driven by various motivations such as gaming. Although this trend offers certain advantages, such as access to new information, I contend that it represents a negative development due to its potential drawbacks, including a sedentary lifestyle and obesity. --- This revised version improves clarity, coherence, and grammatical accuracy, which are essential for achieving a high score in proficiency tests like the IELTS.
Band Score: 6.5

Feedback

Task Achievement

  • Response to the Prompt: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by discussing why children spend hours on smartphones and evaluating whether this is a positive or negative development.
  • Ideas and Examples: The essay provides reasons such as online classes, games, and social media for why children use smartphones extensively. It also discusses the potential benefits and drawbacks, such as knowledge acquisition and obesity, respectively. However, the essay could benefit from more specific examples or data to strengthen the arguments.

Coherence and Cohesion

  • Organization: The essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph has a clear focus, contributing to the overall coherence.
  • Cohesive Devices: The use of cohesive devices like "Firstly," "In addition," "As a result," and "Moreover" helps in guiding the reader through the arguments. However, some transitions could be smoother, and the essay could benefit from more varied linking words to enhance cohesion.

Lexical Resource

  • Vocabulary: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, such as "sedentary lifestyle," "far-reaching consequences," and "vital impact." However, there are minor errors, such as "TikTalks" instead of "TikTok," which should be corrected.
  • Word Choice: Some word choices could be improved for precision and clarity. For example, "profitable" might be better replaced with "beneficial" in this context.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

  • Sentence Structures: The essay uses a variety of sentence structures, which adds to the readability. However, there are some grammatical errors, such as "the children, regardless of gender and age, are not exceptional," which should be "exceptions."
  • Grammar and Punctuation: There are minor grammatical errors, such as "the online classes have become common among them," which could be simplified to "online classes have become common." Additionally, punctuation errors, such as missing commas, should be addressed for clarity.

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Provide Specific Examples: Incorporate specific examples or data to support the arguments more effectively.
  2. Enhance Cohesion: Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to improve the flow between ideas.
  3. Refine Vocabulary and Grammar: Correct minor vocabulary errors and refine grammatical structures for greater accuracy and clarity.
  4. Expand on Consequences: While the essay mentions obesity and eye problems, it could explore other potential negative impacts, such as mental health issues, to provide a more comprehensive analysis.

Overall, the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a clear argument, but it could be strengthened with more specific examples, improved cohesion, and refined language use.

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