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Question:
Some people believe that it is best to accept a bad situation, such as an unsatisfactory job or shortage of money. Others argue that it is better to try and improve such situations. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Response:
It is often argued that people should stay in an unsatisfying job or situation, while others contend it is our merit to live in a better situation. I personally firmly agree with the second group and I will elaborate on this viewpoint in the following paragraphs. When it comes to living in miserable conditions, it is widely acknowledged that when a company goes bankrupt, almost all their employees decide to resign, meanwhile, there might be a few workers who receive a shortage of salary and they think if they stay and work hard, the company might see an increasing trend in success. Consequently, when an employee decides to work in this situation, he might spend all their youth on something that is not valuable. When he gets older and faces difficulties, he might live in a state that does not even have enough budget to provide medical healthcare. On the other hand, if someone opts to live in a satisfying state and has enough confidence to desire this situation, this person can easily have a better life. For example, when an individual encounters bad conditions, he might decide something logical for their future, thus he can seek new job opportunities or a better place to have a secure financial situation and they can also allocate a separate budget for his family's future, and more importantly, he enjoys his work condition. In conclusion, while it is true that sometimes being patient might be beneficial for our job. However, I think it is more vital to not take the risk and pursue a better job condition, thus it has an effect on our later years and the family's sufficient budgets.
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It is often argued that people should stay in an unsatisfying job or situation, while others contend it is our meritright to live in a better situation. I personally firmly agree with the second group and I will elaborate on this viewpoint in the following paragraphs. When it comes to living in miserable conditions, it is widely acknowledged that when a company goes bankrupt, almost all theirits employees decide to resign, meanwhile, there might be a few workers who receive a shortage of reduced salary and they think if they stay and work hard, the company might see an increasingupward trend in success. Consequently, when an employee decides to work in this situation, he might spend all theirhis youth on something that is not valuable. When he gets older and faces difficulties, he might live in a state that does not even have enough budget to provide medical healthcarecare. On the other hand, if someone optschooses to live in a satisfying state and has enough confidence to desire this situation, this person can easily have a better life. For example, when an individual encounters bad conditions, he might decide something logical for theirhis future, thus he can seek new job opportunities or a better place to have a secure financial situation and theyhe can also allocate a separate budget for his family's future, and more importantly, he enjoys his work conditionworking conditions. In conclusion, while it is true that sometimes being patient might be beneficial for our jobjobs. However, I think it is more vital to not take the risk and pursue a better job conditionconditions, thus it has an effect on our later years and the family's sufficient budgetsfinancial security.
This section presents vocabulary suggestions. Highlighted words are either too simple or are repeated more than 3 times . Please note that some suggested alternatives might require changes to other parts of the sentence.
This section presents a professionally wirtten variation of your essay and highlights the differences.
It is often argued that people should stay in an unsatisfying job or situation, while others contend it is our merit to live in a better situation. I personally firmly agree with the second group and I will elaborate on this viewpoint in the following paragraphs.
It is often argued that people should remain in unsatisfying jobs or situations, while others contend that it is our right to seek better circumstances. I firmly agree with the latter perspective and will elaborate on this viewpoint in the following paragraphs.
When it comes to living in miserable conditions, it is widely acknowledged that when a company goes bankrupt, almost all their employees decide to resign, meanwhile, there might be a few workers who receive a shortage of salary and they think if they stay and work hard, the company might see an increasing trend in success. Consequently, when an employee decides to work in this situation, he might spend all their youth on something that is not valuable. When he gets older and faces difficulties, he might live in a state that does not even have enough budget to provide medical healthcare.
When it comes to enduring unfavorable conditions, it is widely acknowledged that when a company faces bankruptcy, most employees choose to resign. However, a few may remain despite receiving reduced salaries, believing that their perseverance could help the company recover. Unfortunately, those who stay risk wasting their youth on an uncertain endeavor. As a result, they may later face financial instability, struggling even to afford basic necessities like healthcare in their older years.
On the other hand, if someone opts to live in a satisfying state and has enough confidence to desire this situation, this person can easily have a better life. For example, when an individual encounters bad conditions, he might decide something logical for their future, thus he can seek new job opportunities or a better place to have a secure financial situation and they can also allocate a separate budget for his family's future, and more importantly, he enjoys his work condition.
Conversely, those who prioritize their well-being and actively seek better opportunities can significantly improve their quality of life. For instance, when confronted with poor working conditions, a proactive individual may pursue new job opportunities or relocate to secure financial stability. This not only ensures a more secure future for themselves but also allows them to allocate resources for their family’s needs. Moreover, working in a fulfilling environment enhances overall job satisfaction.
In conclusion, while it is true that sometimes being patient might be beneficial for our job. However, I think it is more vital to not take the risk and pursue a better job condition, thus it has an effect on our later years and the family's sufficient budgets.
In conclusion, while patience can sometimes be advantageous in one’s career, I believe it is far more crucial to take calculated risks in pursuit of better opportunities. Doing so not only safeguards one’s future but also ensures financial security for their family.
Band Score: 6.5

Feedback on Your Essay

Task Achievement

Your essay addresses the prompt and presents both views, though the discussion of the first view (accepting a bad situation) is somewhat underdeveloped. The second view (trying to improve the situation) is explained more thoroughly with an example, which strengthens your argument. However, the first perspective could benefit from a clearer explanation of why some people might choose to accept a bad situation (e.g., stability, fear of change, or lack of alternatives).

Your opinion is clearly stated, but the conclusion could be more balanced. Instead of dismissing patience entirely, you could acknowledge that in some cases, short-term acceptance might be necessary before making improvements.

Coherence and Cohesion

The essay has a logical structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing each view, and a conclusion. However, some transitions between ideas could be smoother. For example:

  • The first body paragraph jumps from discussing company bankruptcy to personal financial struggles without a clear link.
  • The second body paragraph flows better but could use a stronger transition phrase (e.g., "In contrast, those who actively seek improvement...").

Additionally, some sentences are overly long and could be broken up for clarity (e.g., "When he gets older and faces difficulties, he might live in a state that does not even have enough budget to provide medical healthcare.").

Lexical Resource

Your vocabulary is generally appropriate, but there are some awkward or unnatural word choices:

  • "Merit to live in a better situation" → "Duty/Responsibility to improve their situation"
  • "Miserable conditions" → "Unfavorable circumstances" (less extreme)
  • "Allocate a separate budget" → "Set aside savings" (more natural)

Some phrases could be more precise:

  • "Spend all their youth on something that is not valuable" → "Waste their prime years in an unfulfilling job"
  • "Enjoys his work condition" → "Finds job satisfaction"

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

There are several grammatical errors that affect clarity:

  • Subject-verb agreement: "When a company goes bankrupt, almost all their employees decide to resign" → "its employees decide" (company is singular).
  • Pronoun consistency: "He might spend all their youth" → "his youth" (stick to singular or plural).
  • Article usage: "A shortage of salary" → "A salary shortage" (more natural).
  • Tense shifts: "He might live in a state that does not even have enough budget" → "may not have" (consistent hypothetical tone).

Some sentences are unclear due to structure:

  • "When an individual encounters bad conditions, he might decide something logical for their future" → "When facing adversity, one should make rational decisions for the future."

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Balance the discussion – Give equal weight to both perspectives before stating your opinion.
  2. Clarify transitions – Use linking words (e.g., "On the contrary," "Nevertheless") to improve flow.
  3. Refine word choice – Avoid overly dramatic terms ("miserable") and opt for neutral, academic language.
  4. Proofread for grammar – Check subject-verb agreement, pronoun consistency, and article usage.

Overall, your essay presents a clear stance but would benefit from more balanced analysis and tighter language control. Keep practicing!

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