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Question:
It is important for everyone, including young people, to save money for their future. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement??
Response:
Nowadays, everyone is surrounded by advertising which leads them to be more and more consumer. As a result, it is very difficult for the young people to save their income. While, saving money is a difficult task, it has numerus benefits for people’s lives. This essay completely agrees with the idea that individuals should save their money. This matter will be further elaborated on by scrutinizing following topics: saving money for long-term and short-term purposes in the future. On the one hand, some believe that every one, especially young people have to save their money for their retirement periods. Although, in some countries, governments support old people, in this period, individuals need to be in safe financial conditions, due to their saving. For example, some health problems are not supported by the insurance, so people have to pay their money for the treatments. In addition, in this age, people are struggling with some mental issues due to lack of outdoor activities and entertainment, so they can invest their saving to boost their mental health, including, going on a trip and participating in entertainment groups. Moreover, not only does saving money have certain advantages for the retirement, but it also has some benefits during the youth period. For instance, young people can save their money to invest it on improving both their personality skills and life conditions, such as learning new skills, buying a new house and having new experiences, then the quality of their lives can be increased during the time. It can be mentioned that young people should be taught to learn how they can manage their income. In conclusion, this essay has elaborated on why saving money has significant roles in old and young people’s lives. It has explained it that old people life depends on their saving for solving both the mental and physical health and young people can use their saving to develop their current conditions.
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Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
Nowadays, everyone is surrounded by advertising which leads them to be more and more consumer-oriented. As a result, it is very difficult for the young people to save their income. While, saving money is a difficult task, it has numerusnumerous benefits for people’s lives. This essay completely agrees with the idea that individuals should save their money. This matter will be further elaborated on by scrutinizingscrutinising the following topics: saving money for long-term and short-term purposes in the future. On the one hand, some believe that every oneeveryone, especially young people, have has to save their money for their retirement periods. Although, in some countries, governments support oldolder people, induring this period, individuals need to be in safe financial conditions, due to their savingsavings. For example, some health problems are not supportedcovered by the insurance, so people have to pay their money for the treatments. In addition, inat this age, people are struggling with some mental issues due to a lack of outdoor activities and entertainment, so they can invest their savingsavings to boost their mental health, including, going on a trip trips and participating in entertainment groups. Moreover, not only does saving money have certain advantages for the retirement, but it also has some benefits during the youth period. For instance, young people can save their money to invest it on in improving both their personalitypersonal skills and lifeliving conditions, such as learning new skills, buying a new house, and having new experiences,; then the quality of their lives can be increased during the over time. It can be mentioned that young people should be taught to learn how they can to manage their income. In conclusion, this essay has elaborated on why saving money has significant roles in the lives of both old and young people’s lives. It has explained it that oldolder people's life depends lives depend on their savingsavings for solvingaddressing both the mental and physical health, and young people can use their savingsavings to develop their current conditions.
This section presents vocabulary suggestions. Highlighted words are either too simple or are repeated more than 3 times . Please note that some suggested alternatives might require changes to other parts of the sentence.
This section presents a professionally wirtten variation of your essay and highlights the differences.
Nowadays, everyone is surrounded by advertising which leads them to be more and more consumer. As a result, it is very difficult for the young people to save their income. While, saving money is a difficult task, it has numerus benefits for people’s lives. This essay completely agrees with the idea that individuals should save their money. This matter will be further elaborated on by scrutinizing following topics: saving money for long-term and short-term purposes in the future.
In today's world, individuals are constantly surrounded by advertising, which encourages them to become increasingly consumer-oriented. As a result, it has become increasingly challenging for young people to save their income. While saving money can be a difficult task, it offers numerous benefits for individuals' lives. This essay strongly supports the idea that individuals should prioritize saving their money. This argument will be further elaborated upon by examining the importance of saving for both long-term and short-term purposes.
On the one hand, some believe that every one, especially young people have to save their money for their retirement periods. Although, in some countries, governments support old people, in this period, individuals need to be in safe financial conditions, due to their saving. For example, some health problems are not supported by the insurance, so people have to pay their money for the treatments. In addition, in this age, people are struggling with some mental issues due to lack of outdoor activities and entertainment, so they can invest their saving to boost their mental health, including, going on a trip and participating in entertainment groups.
On one hand, many believe that everyone, especially young people, should save money for their retirement. Although some governments provide support for the elderly, individuals still need to maintain a secure financial situation through their savings. For instance, certain health issues may not be covered by insurance, requiring individuals to pay out of pocket for treatments. Additionally, many young people face mental health challenges due to a lack of outdoor activities and entertainment. By saving money, they can invest in experiences that enhance their mental well-being, such as traveling or participating in recreational groups.
Moreover, not only does saving money have certain advantages for the retirement, but it also has some benefits during the youth period. For instance, young people can save their money to invest it on improving both their personality skills and life conditions, such as learning new skills, buying a new house and having new experiences, then the quality of their lives can be increased during the time. It can be mentioned that young people should be taught to learn how they can manage their income.
Moreover, saving money not only benefits individuals in their retirement years but also provides advantages during their youth. For example, young people can save to invest in their personal development and improve their living conditions, such as acquiring new skills, purchasing a home, or gaining new experiences. These investments can significantly enhance their quality of life over time. It is essential that young people are taught how to effectively manage their income and savings.
In conclusion, this essay has elaborated on why saving money has significant roles in old and young people’s lives. It has explained it that old people life depends on their saving for solving both the mental and physical health and young people can use their saving to develop their current conditions.
In conclusion, this essay has discussed the significant role that saving money plays in the lives of both young and old individuals. It has highlighted that the financial security of older adults often depends on their savings for addressing both mental and physical health needs, while young people can utilize their savings to improve their current circumstances and future prospects.
Band Score: 6.5

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Task Achievement

  • Response to the Prompt: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the importance of saving money for both young and old people. It clearly states agreement with the idea that individuals should save money.
  • Development of Ideas: The essay provides reasons for saving money, such as financial security during retirement and personal development during youth. However, the examples could be more specific and detailed to strengthen the argument.

Coherence and Cohesion

  • Organization: The essay is organized into clear paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, and the conclusion summarizes the main points.
  • Cohesive Devices: Transition words and phrases like "on the one hand," "moreover," and "in conclusion" are used to connect ideas. However, the use of "while" in the first paragraph is incorrect and should be revised for clarity.

Lexical Resource

  • Vocabulary: The essay uses a range of vocabulary related to finance and personal development, such as "consumer," "financial conditions," "invest," and "mental health." However, there are some spelling errors, such as "numerus" instead of "numerous."
  • Word Choice: Some word choices could be improved for precision, such as "consumer" which could be replaced with "consumption-driven" to better fit the context.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

  • Sentence Structure: The essay uses a variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences. However, some sentences are awkwardly constructed, such as "Although, in some countries, governments support old people, in this period, individuals need to be in safe financial conditions, due to their saving."
  • Grammar and Punctuation: There are minor grammatical errors, such as incorrect use of commas and conjunctions. For example, "While, saving money is a difficult task," should be "While saving money is a difficult task," without the comma.

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Enhance Examples: Provide more specific and detailed examples to support the arguments, such as mentioning specific skills young people might invest in or types of health issues that might require savings.
  2. Improve Clarity: Revise awkward sentence structures for clarity and coherence. Ensure that each sentence clearly conveys its intended meaning.
  3. Correct Errors: Address spelling and grammatical errors to improve the overall quality of the essay. Pay attention to punctuation and conjunction use.
  4. Expand Vocabulary: Use more precise vocabulary to convey ideas more effectively and avoid repetition.

Overall, the essay presents a clear argument in favor of saving money, but it could benefit from more detailed examples and improved sentence clarity.

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