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Question:
Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?
Response:
In recent times, many children spend a considerable amount of time on their electronic gadgets, particularly on their phones. There is numerous factors that contribute to this trend. This essay will examine some of reasons behind it and explain why I believe it is a negative development. To begin with, there are a number of reasons for this widespread trend. Firstly, there is not another significant entertaining activity for kids. While in the past children used to play various creative games with together, because of the modern lifestyle, children do not have the opportunity to spend their time with their peers. In addition, as parents have hectic schedules and they are occupied with their jobs, they cannot dedicate some hours in order to have fun with their children. For example, a few decades ago, the mother of family often used to be houswife. As a result she would be able to spend a large amount of time with her kids, which is not true in this modern era. Although this trend is increasing and a large number of children have become obsessed with it, I think it is a catastrophic phenomenon. First and formost, it can leads to detrimental health issues, which could be not only physical illness but also mental problems. Watching the screen for long hours can cause severe and irrepatable damages to the eyes. Not only that, if kids explore social media such as Tik Tok or playing violent and harsh video games constantly, they might suffer from lack of concentration. Morover, this trend leads to sedentary lifestyle. In conclusion, a vast majority of children tend to spend many hours on their phone and social media. There are reasons behind this interest such as the lack of interesting entertainments. In my opinion, this has many drawbacks, including mental and physical problems.
Marking your essay. This might take a few minutes.
Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
In recent times, many children spend a considerable amount of time on their electronic gadgets, particularly on their phones. There isare numerous factors that contribute to this trend. This essay will examine some of the reasons behind it and explain why I believe it is a negative development. To begin with, there are a number of reasons for this widespread trend. Firstly, there is not another significant entertaining activity for kids. While in the past children used to play various creative games with together, because of the modern lifestyle, children do not have the opportunity to spend their time with their peers. In addition, as parents have hectic schedules and they are occupied with their jobs, they cannot dedicate some hours in order to have fun with their children. For example, a few decades ago, the mother of the family often used to be houswifea housewife. As a result, she would be able to spend a large amount of time with her kids, which is not true in this modern era. Although this trend is increasing and a large number of children have become obsessed with it, I think it is a catastrophic phenomenon. First and formostforemost, it can leadslead to detrimental health issues, which could be not only physical illness but also mental problems. Watching the screen for long hours can cause severe and irrepatable damagesirreparable damage to the eyes. Not only that, if kids explore social media such as Tik Tok TikTok or playingplay violent and harsh video games constantly, they might suffer from a lack of concentration. MoroverMoreover, this trend leads to a sedentary lifestyle. In conclusion, a vast majority of children tend to spend many hours on their phonephones and social media. There are reasons behind this interest such as the lack of interesting entertainmentsentertainment. In my opinion, this has many drawbacks, including mental and physical problems.
This section presents vocabulary suggestions. Highlighted words are either too simple or are repeated more than 3 times . Please note that some suggested alternatives might require changes to other parts of the sentence.
This section presents a professionally wirtten variation of your essay and highlights the differences.
In recent times, many children spend a considerable amount of time on their electronic gadgets, particularly on their phones. There is numerous factors that contribute to this trend. This essay will examine some of reasons behind it and explain why I believe it is a negative development.
In recent times, many children spend a considerable amount of time on their electronic gadgets, particularly their phones. There are numerous factors that contribute to this trend. This essay will examine some of the reasons behind it and explain why I believe it is a negative development.
To begin with, there are a number of reasons for this widespread trend. Firstly, there is not another significant entertaining activity for kids. While in the past children used to play various creative games with together, because of the modern lifestyle, children do not have the opportunity to spend their time with their peers. In addition, as parents have hectic schedules and they are occupied with their jobs, they cannot dedicate some hours in order to have fun with their children. For example, a few decades ago, the mother of family often used to be houswife. As a result she would be able to spend a large amount of time with her kids, which is not true in this modern era.
To begin with, there are several reasons for this widespread trend. Firstly, there are not many significant entertaining activities available for kids. While in the past, children used to engage in various creative games together, the modern lifestyle has limited their opportunities to spend time with their peers. Additionally, as parents have hectic schedules and are often preoccupied with their jobs, they cannot dedicate enough time to have fun with their children. For example, a few decades ago, mothers often took on the role of homemakers, allowing them to spend a considerable amount of time with their kids, which is not the case in today’s fast-paced world.
Although this trend is increasing and a large number of children have become obsessed with it, I think it is a catastrophic phenomenon. First and formost, it can leads to detrimental health issues, which could be not only physical illness but also mental problems. Watching the screen for long hours can cause severe and irrepatable damages to the eyes. Not only that, if kids explore social media such as Tik Tok or playing violent and harsh video games constantly, they might suffer from lack of concentration. Morover, this trend leads to sedentary lifestyle.
Although this trend is increasing and a large number of children have become obsessed with their devices, I believe it is a catastrophic phenomenon. First and foremost, it can lead to detrimental health issues, which may include not only physical illnesses but also mental problems. Prolonged screen time can cause severe and irreversible damage to the eyes. Furthermore, if children frequently explore social media platforms such as TikTok or engage in violent video games, they may suffer from a lack of concentration. Moreover, this trend contributes to a sedentary lifestyle.
In conclusion, a vast majority of children tend to spend many hours on their phone and social media. There are reasons behind this interest such as the lack of interesting entertainments. In my opinion, this has many drawbacks, including mental and physical problems.
In conclusion, a vast majority of children tend to spend many hours on their phones and social media. There are several reasons behind this trend, such as the lack of engaging entertainment options. In my opinion, this has many drawbacks, including both mental and physical health issues.
Band Score: 6

Task Achievement

The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the reasons why children spend hours on their smartphones and the writer's opinion on whether this is a positive or negative development. The response provides a clear stance, identifying the trend as negative and supporting this view with relevant reasons. However, the essay could benefit from more specific examples or evidence to strengthen the argument.

Coherence and Cohesion

The essay is generally well-organized, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The use of linking words and phrases such as "To begin with," "Firstly," "In addition," and "In conclusion" helps to guide the reader through the argument. However, some transitions could be smoother. For instance, the transition between the reasons for the trend and the negative impacts could be more clearly delineated.

Lexical Resource

The vocabulary used in the essay is appropriate and varied, with some good use of terms like "catastrophic phenomenon," "detrimental health issues," and "sedentary lifestyle." However, there are a few instances of awkward phrasing or incorrect word choice, such as "numerous factors" instead of "a number of factors" and "irrepatable damages" instead of "irreparable damage." More precise language could enhance the clarity and impact of the argument.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, but there are several grammatical errors that detract from the overall quality. For example, "there is numerous factors" should be "there are numerous factors," and "it can leads to" should be "it can lead to." Additionally, some sentences are overly complex or awkwardly constructed, which can obscure the intended meaning. Simplifying sentence structures and ensuring subject-verb agreement would improve readability.

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Provide Specific Examples: Incorporate specific examples or evidence to support the reasons and impacts discussed. This could include statistics, studies, or anecdotal evidence.

  2. Improve Transitions: Ensure smoother transitions between ideas, particularly when moving from discussing reasons to discussing impacts.

  3. Enhance Vocabulary Precision: Use more precise vocabulary and correct any awkward phrasing or incorrect word choices.

  4. Address Grammatical Errors: Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, verb forms, and sentence structure to improve grammatical accuracy.

  5. Expand on Ideas: Consider expanding on the reasons and impacts discussed to provide a more comprehensive analysis.

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