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Question:
Some university students want to learn about other subjects in addition to their main subjects. Others believe it is important to give all their time and attention to studying for a qualification. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Response:
In the modern world, everything is changing quickly, while having a qualification was a fundamental requirement in a past decade, nowadays, individuals are less enthusiastic to have it. Some students claim that they have a tendency to learn different subjects from their basic courses, but others think that the most important thing is that they focus on main subjects. This essay will elaborate on both viewpoints and the author’s opinion. On the one hand, proponents of learning different subjects assert that they are interested to learn novel skills outside of their syllabus because it will create a broad perspective for them. For instance, it is obvious that some skills can be taught through reading novels and other books. So, it creates a chance for students who study different fields from literature to develop their knowledge and skills by reading different types of books. In addition, the education time makes the best opportunities due to accessing to the numerous sources of data. On the other hand, some students believe that they should spend all of their time on their main subjects, because it has a significant impact on their education’s route. Moreover, they claim that it prepares them for finding a suitable career in the future. As a results, they pay more attention on the main syllabuses which have a crucial role in their work lives. In my opinion, despite the fact that focusing on main courses is a vital issue, this essay argues that students should be multifaceted, because some abilities will be developed by learning new subjects. For example, they can improve their problem-solving skills by participating in certain classes which is essential for both their work and private lives. In conclusion, this essay has elaborated on different views that include both learning new skills and concentrate on main subjects. Also, it has offered author’s opinion that has argued learning outside basic syllabuses have a significant role on individual’s lives.
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Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
In the modern world, everything is changing quickly, while. While having a qualification was a fundamental requirement in a past decadedecades, nowadays, individuals are less enthusiastic to haveabout having it. Some students claim that they have a tendency to learn different subjects fromoutside of their basic courses, but others think that the most important thing is that they focus on main subjects. This essay will elaborate on both viewpoints and the author’s opinion. On the one hand, proponents of learning different subjects assert that they are interested to learnin learning novel skills outside of their syllabus because it will create a broad perspective for them. For instance, it is obvious that some skills can be taught through reading novels and other books. So, it creates a chance for students who study different fields fromin literature to develop their knowledge and skills by reading different types of books. In addition, the education time makesprovides the best opportunities due to accessingaccess to the numerous sources of data. On the other hand, some students believe that they should spend all of their time on their main subjects, because it has a significant impact on their education’s routepath. Moreover, they claim that it prepares them for finding a suitable career in the future. As a resultsresult, they pay more attention onto the main syllabuses which have a crucial role in their work lives. In my opinion, despite the fact that focusing on main courses is a vital issue, this essay argues that students should be multifaceted, because some abilities will be developed by learning new subjects. For example, they can improve their problem-solving skills by participating in certain classes, which isare essential for both their work and private lives. In conclusion, this essay has elaborated on different views that include both learning new skills and concentrateconcentrating on main subjects. Also, it has offered the author’s opinion that has argued argues learning outside basic syllabuses havehas a significant role on individualin individuals’s lives.
This section presents vocabulary suggestions. Highlighted words are either too simple or are repeated more than 3 times . Please note that some suggested alternatives might require changes to other parts of the sentence.
This section presents a professionally wirtten variation of your essay and highlights the differences.
In the modern world, everything is changing quickly, while having a qualification was a fundamental requirement in a past decade, nowadays, individuals are less enthusiastic to have it. Some students claim that they have a tendency to learn different subjects from their basic courses, but others think that the most important thing is that they focus on main subjects. This essay will elaborate on both viewpoints and the author’s opinion.
In the modern world, everything is changing rapidly. While having a qualification was a fundamental requirement in the past decade, nowadays, individuals are less enthusiastic about obtaining one. Some students claim that they have a tendency to learn different subjects beyond their core courses, while others believe that the most important thing is to focus on their main subjects. This essay will elaborate on both viewpoints and present the author’s opinion.
On the one hand, proponents of learning different subjects assert that they are interested to learn novel skills outside of their syllabus because it will create a broad perspective for them. For instance, it is obvious that some skills can be taught through reading novels and other books. So, it creates a chance for students who study different fields from literature to develop their knowledge and skills by reading different types of books. In addition, the education time makes the best opportunities due to accessing to the numerous sources of data.
On the one hand, proponents of learning diverse subjects assert that they are eager to acquire new skills outside of their syllabus because it broadens their perspectives. For instance, it is evident that some skills can be developed through reading novels and other literature. This creates opportunities for students who explore various fields, allowing them to enhance their knowledge and skills by engaging with different types of texts. Additionally, the educational environment provides the best opportunities for accessing a wealth of resources and information.
On the other hand, some students believe that they should spend all of their time on their main subjects, because it has a significant impact on their education’s route. Moreover, they claim that it prepares them for finding a suitable career in the future. As a results, they pay more attention on the main syllabuses which have a crucial role in their work lives.
On the other hand, some students believe that they should dedicate all their time to their main subjects, as this significantly impacts their educational trajectory. Moreover, they argue that focusing on core subjects prepares them for securing suitable careers in the future. As a result, they pay more attention to the main syllabuses, which play a crucial role in their professional lives.
In my opinion, despite the fact that focusing on main courses is a vital issue, this essay argues that students should be multifaceted, because some abilities will be developed by learning new subjects. For example, they can improve their problem-solving skills by participating in certain classes which is essential for both their work and private lives.
In my opinion, while concentrating on core courses is essential, students should also strive to be multifaceted, as certain abilities can be developed through learning new subjects. For example, they can enhance their problem-solving skills by participating in various classes, which is vital for both their professional and personal lives.
In conclusion, this essay has elaborated on different views that include both learning new skills and concentrate on main subjects. Also, it has offered author’s opinion that has argued learning outside basic syllabuses have a significant role on individual’s lives.
In conclusion, this essay has discussed different perspectives regarding the importance of learning new skills versus concentrating on main subjects. It has also presented the author’s opinion that learning beyond basic syllabuses plays a significant role in individuals' lives.
Band Score: 6.5

Feedback

Task Achievement

  • Response to the Prompt: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both viewpoints regarding university students learning additional subjects versus focusing solely on their main subjects. It also provides the author's opinion, which is a requirement of the task.
  • Development of Ideas: The essay presents a clear argument for both sides, but the examples and explanations could be more detailed. For instance, the benefits of learning additional subjects could be expanded with more specific examples or evidence.
  • Conclusion: The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and restates the author's opinion, which is a good practice in essay writing.

Coherence and Cohesion

  • Organization: The essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing each viewpoint, and a conclusion. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For example, using more linking words or phrases could help guide the reader through the argument.
  • Paragraphing: Each paragraph focuses on a single idea, which is good. However, the paragraphs could be more balanced in length and detail.

Lexical Resource

  • Vocabulary: The essay uses a range of vocabulary, but there are some instances of awkward phrasing and word choice. For example, "education’s route" could be more clearly expressed as "educational path" or "academic journey."
  • Precision and Variety: While there is some variety in vocabulary, there are also repetitive phrases such as "main subjects" and "learning new subjects." Try to use synonyms or rephrase to avoid repetition.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

  • Sentence Structure: The essay includes a mix of simple and complex sentences, which is good. However, some sentences are overly complex or awkwardly structured, which can affect clarity. For example, "As a results, they pay more attention on the main syllabuses which have a crucial role in their work lives" could be simplified for clarity.
  • Grammar and Punctuation: There are a few grammatical errors, such as "As a results" (should be "As a result") and "accessing to the numerous sources" (should be "access to numerous sources"). Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and preposition use.

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Expand on Examples: Provide more detailed examples or evidence to support each viewpoint. This will strengthen the argument and make it more convincing.
  2. Improve Transitions: Use more linking words and phrases to improve the flow between ideas and paragraphs.
  3. Refine Vocabulary: Work on using a wider range of vocabulary and avoid repetition. Consider using synonyms or rephrasing sentences for variety.
  4. Simplify Complex Sentences: Review sentence structures to ensure clarity and avoid overly complex or awkward phrasing.
  5. Proofread for Errors: Carefully proofread the essay to catch and correct grammatical errors and awkward phrasing.

Overall, the essay presents a balanced discussion of the topic, but it could benefit from more detailed examples, improved transitions, and careful attention to language use.

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