Question:
Some people think that competition at work, at school, and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than compete against each other. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Response:
According to recent research, many people suggest that having a competition at work, school, or in daily life can improve their mind and help them work harder. However, other claims that a focus on cooperation would be an ideal way due to high levels of motivation. In my opinion, competition can yield significant outcomes, but it's better to collaborate with others. On the one hand, today the majority of people are in competition during their life. Competitions can lead to individuals improving their minds and working harder due to the competitive spirit that motivates everyone to work harder and gain new experiences. foe example After school graduation, every student will enter university, where many students will compete against each other. on the other hand, fostering in collaborative environment is more valuable. when peoples work with a smarter partners than they can notice their mistakes and easily correct them also it is gives them motivation to work harder and to be on the one level with thier partners. for instance, sophomore student can help to the freshman student to produce a presentation or delivered some ideas for them, as a result; freshman student will get motivation and support to work harder. In conclusion, living with competition can lead some people working harder due to competitive spirit and achieve their goals. However, collaboration plays a fundamental part of human development because of high levels of motivations and feedbacks and advices that's given by smarter individuals.
Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
According to recent research, many people suggest that having a competition at work, school, or in daily life can improve their mindminds and help them work harder. However, other claimsothers claim that a focus on cooperation would be an ideal way due to high levels of motivation. In my opinion, competition can yield significant outcomes, but it's better to collaborate with others. On the one hand, today the majority of people are in competition during their lifelives. Competitions can lead to individuals improving their minds and working harder due to the competitive spirit that motivates everyone to work harder and gain new experiences. foeFor example, After after school graduation, every student will enter university, where many students will compete against each other. onOn the other hand, fostering ina collaborative environment is more valuable. when peoplesWhen people work with a smarter partners, than they can notice their mistakes and easily correct them; also, it is gives them motivation to work harder and to be on the onesame level with thieras their partners. forFor instance, a sophomore student can help to the a freshman student to produce a presentation or delivereddeliver some ideas for them,; as a result;, the freshman student will getgain motivation and support to work harder. In conclusion, living with competition can lead some people workingto work harder due to competitive spirit and achieve their goals. However, collaboration plays a fundamental part ofin human development because of high levels of motivationsmotivation and feedbacksfeedback and advicesadvice that's is given by smarter individuals.
Band Score: 5

Feedback

Task Achievement

  • Response to the Prompt: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both views on competition and cooperation. However, it falls slightly short of the minimum word count requirement of 250 words, which may affect the overall task achievement.
  • Development of Ideas: The essay presents a clear opinion favoring cooperation over competition. However, the arguments could be further developed with more examples and explanations to strengthen the position.

Coherence and Cohesion

  • Organization: The essay is organized into clear paragraphs, each addressing a specific point. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, using linking words like "Moreover," "Additionally," or "Conversely" could enhance the flow.
  • Cohesion: Some sentences lack cohesion due to abrupt transitions. For example, the transition from discussing competition to cooperation could be more seamless.

Lexical Resource

  • Vocabulary: The vocabulary used is appropriate but somewhat limited. Introducing a wider range of vocabulary could enhance the essay. For example, instead of "smarter individuals," terms like "more experienced peers" could be used.
  • Word Choice: There are minor errors in word choice, such as "foe example" instead of "for example," which should be corrected for clarity.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

  • Sentence Structure: The essay contains a mix of simple and complex sentences. However, some sentences are awkwardly structured, such as "when peoples work with a smarter partners than they can notice their mistakes."
  • Grammar and Spelling: There are several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ("peoples" should be "people") and spelling mistakes ("thier" should be "their"). These errors can detract from the overall readability of the essay.

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Expand the Essay: Ensure the essay meets the minimum word count by expanding on ideas and providing more examples.
  2. Enhance Coherence: Use more linking words to improve the flow between paragraphs and ideas.
  3. Improve Lexical Resource: Incorporate a wider range of vocabulary to express ideas more precisely and effectively.
  4. Address Grammatical Errors: Review the essay for grammatical and spelling errors to improve accuracy and clarity. Consider using grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers or instructors.

By addressing these areas, the essay can be improved to better meet the IELTS writing criteria.