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Question:
In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an aging population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an aging population outweigh the disadvantages?
Response:
Some contend that the growing population of elderly people imposes burdens on governments' shoulders, while others believe that this demographic growth is far more beneficial in the face of its downturns. Although this phenomenon comes with its fair share of benefits, I have an inclination towards the former perspective. The higher number of elderly people offers benefits at both society and family levels. Elderly people are great sources of experience and knowledge. It is believed that their wisdom can be used in socioeconomic decisions in order to prevent repetitive errors. For instance, the knowledge and experience of an old person who lived during the Second World War can be used in order to address conflicts in their primary stages and prevent devastating consequences. Secondly, grandparents are a great help to working parents. In today's society, where parents spend most of their sociable hours in professional settings, having a reliable source to take care of their beloved children has a positive impact on both parents and their children's well-being. By alleviating stress levels and childcare concerns among parents and offering thorough care through which meaningful relationships can be built between grandparents and grandchildren, elderly people's presence provide invaluable advantages. However, the ever-growing population of this specific demographic not only imposes a further burden on the healthcare system but also endangers the society's economy. Old people have weak immunity systems and are more susceptible to diseases. As a result, they pay more visits to doctors and healthcare systems. For instance, polypharmacy and exorbitant prices of annual vaccinations are common problems that old citizens bring about. Furthermore, these retired citizens can have negative impacts on the economy. These people are usually unable to work efficiently at older ages and are asked to leave professional settings. Therefore, a growing population of this group presents a workforce shortage for industries, ultimately paralyzing the society's economy. Additionally, providing monthly pensions for elderly people is associated with higher taxes and more pressure on lucrative individuals. In conclusion, I am of the opinion that aging populations bring about problems that outweigh the advantages.
Marking your essay. This might take a few minutes.
Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
Some contend that the growing population of elderly people imposes burdens on governments' shoulders, while others believe that this demographic growth is far more beneficial in the face of its downturns. Although this phenomenon comes with its fair share of benefits, I have an inclination towards the former perspective. The higher number of elderly people offers benefits at both societysocietal and family levels. Elderly people are great sources of experience and knowledge. It is believed that their wisdom can be used in socioeconomic decisions in order to prevent repetitive errors. For instance, the knowledge and experience of an old person who lived during the Second World War can be used in order to address conflicts in their primary stages and prevent devastating consequences. Secondly, grandparents are a great help to working parents. In today's society, where parents spend most of their sociablesocial hours in professional settings, having a reliable source to take care of their beloved children has a positive impact on both parents and their children's well-being. By alleviating stress levels and childcare concerns among parents and offering thorough care through which meaningful relationships can be built between grandparents and grandchildren, elderly people's presence provideprovides invaluable advantages. However, the ever-growing population of this specific demographic not only imposes a further burden on the healthcare system but also endangers the society's economy. Old people have weak immunityimmune systems and are more susceptible to diseases. As a result, they pay more visits to doctors and healthcare systems. For instance, polypharmacy and exorbitant prices of annual vaccinations are common problems that oldelderly citizens bring about. Furthermore, these retired citizens can have negative impacts on the economy. These people are usually unable to work efficiently at older ages and are asked to leave professional settings. Therefore, a growing population of this group presents a workforce shortage for industries, ultimately paralyzing the society's economy. Additionally, providing monthly pensions for elderly people is associated with higher taxes and more pressure on lucrativeaffluent individuals. In conclusion, I am of the opinion that aging populations bring about problems that outweigh the advantages.
This section presents vocabulary suggestions. Highlighted words are either too simple or are repeated more than 3 times . Please note that some suggested alternatives might require changes to other parts of the sentence.
This section presents a professionally wirtten variation of your essay and highlights the differences.
Some contend that the growing population of elderly people imposes burdens on governments' shoulders, while others believe that this demographic growth is far more beneficial in the face of its downturns. Although this phenomenon comes with its fair share of benefits, I have an inclination towards the former perspective.
Some contend that the growing population of elderly people imposes burdens on governments, while others believe that this demographic growth is far more beneficial despite its drawbacks. Although this phenomenon comes with its fair share of advantages, I lean towards the former perspective.
The higher number of elderly people offers benefits at both society and family levels. Elderly people are great sources of experience and knowledge. It is believed that their wisdom can be used in socioeconomic decisions in order to prevent repetitive errors. For instance, the knowledge and experience of an old person who lived during the Second World War can be used in order to address conflicts in their primary stages and prevent devastating consequences. Secondly, grandparents are a great help to working parents. In today's society, where parents spend most of their sociable hours in professional settings, having a reliable source to take care of their beloved children has a positive impact on both parents and their children's well-being. By alleviating stress levels and childcare concerns among parents and offering thorough care through which meaningful relationships can be built between grandparents and grandchildren, elderly people's presence provide invaluable advantages.
The increasing number of elderly individuals offers benefits at both societal and familial levels. Elderly people are invaluable sources of experience and knowledge. Their wisdom can be instrumental in socioeconomic decision-making, helping to prevent repetitive mistakes. For instance, the insights of an individual who lived through the Second World War can be applied to address conflicts in their early stages, thereby averting devastating consequences. Additionally, grandparents provide significant support to working parents. In today's society, where parents often spend the majority of their waking hours in professional environments, having a reliable caregiver for their children positively impacts both the parents' and children's well-being. By alleviating stress and childcare concerns, elderly individuals foster meaningful relationships with their grandchildren, offering invaluable advantages to families.
However, the ever-growing population of this specific demographic not only imposes a further burden on the healthcare system but also endangers the society's economy. Old people have weak immunity systems and are more susceptible to diseases. As a result, they pay more visits to doctors and healthcare systems. For instance, polypharmacy and exorbitant prices of annual vaccinations are common problems that old citizens bring about. Furthermore, these retired citizens can have negative impacts on the economy. These people are usually unable to work efficiently at older ages and are asked to leave professional settings. Therefore, a growing population of this group presents a workforce shortage for industries, ultimately paralyzing the society's economy. Additionally, providing monthly pensions for elderly people is associated with higher taxes and more pressure on lucrative individuals.
However, the ever-growing population of this demographic not only places an additional burden on the healthcare system but also poses challenges to the economy. Older adults typically have weaker immune systems and are more susceptible to diseases, resulting in more frequent visits to healthcare providers. For example, issues such as polypharmacy and the high costs of annual vaccinations are common challenges associated with an aging population. Furthermore, retired individuals can negatively impact the economy. Many older adults are unable to work efficiently and may be compelled to leave the workforce, leading to a shortage of labor in various industries and ultimately hindering economic growth. Additionally, providing monthly pensions for elderly citizens often results in higher taxes, placing further pressure on the working population.
In conclusion, I am of the opinion that aging populations bring about problems that outweigh the advantages.
In conclusion, I believe that the challenges posed by aging populations outweigh the benefits.
Band Score: 7.5

Task Achievement

The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of an aging population. The writer clearly states their position, favoring the perspective that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. The response provides relevant examples, such as the wisdom of those who lived through significant historical events and the role of grandparents in childcare, to support the advantages. Similarly, the essay discusses the burden on healthcare systems and economic challenges as disadvantages. However, the conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing the key points more explicitly.

Coherence and Cohesion

The essay is well-organized, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to a logical flow of ideas. Transitional phrases like "for instance" and "however" are used effectively to connect ideas and guide the reader through the argument. The essay could benefit from a more explicit summary of the main points in the conclusion to reinforce the writer's stance.

Lexical Resource

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with appropriate use of terms such as "demographic growth," "socioeconomic decisions," "polypharmacy," and "exorbitant prices." The writer uses language effectively to convey their ideas, though there are occasional awkward phrases, such as "imposes burdens on governments' shoulders," which could be more succinctly expressed.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

The essay generally exhibits a strong command of grammar, with varied sentence structures and mostly accurate use of tenses and subject-verb agreement. There are minor errors, such as "society's economy" which should be "the society's economy" or simply "society's economy," and "immunity systems" which should be "immune systems." These errors do not significantly impede understanding but should be addressed for greater precision.

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Conclusion: Strengthen the conclusion by summarizing the main points more explicitly to reinforce the argument.
  2. Lexical Precision: Refine awkward phrases for clarity and conciseness.
  3. Grammatical Accuracy: Pay attention to minor grammatical errors to enhance precision and readability.

Overall, the essay presents a well-reasoned argument with clear examples and a logical structure, effectively addressing the prompt. With minor refinements, it could be even more compelling.

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