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Question:
It is important for everyone, including young people, to save money for their future. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement??
Response:
It is argued that everyone should save money for the future and young people are no exception. I firmly agree with this idea since saving money brings several rewarding effects, including teching the way of saving money and prevention young people from facing financial problems. What makes save money for their future of young people vital is that they have the chance to gain several financial experiments. In other words, they might have not massive responsibilities as many as their old ones, resulting in they have the chance to try several ways in order to save money. By way of example, technology gives opportunties to young people to save their money in several ways, such as buying gold and bitcoins. It is highly possible that they lose thier money; however, they might learn what the most reliable way for saving money is, and they might not take risks when they become older. Therefore, This approach not only provides financial stabilities in the long term , but also teaches countless various financial skills. Moreover, young people will tend to live independently in the future. This means that, while their parents might support them financially when they live with their parents, when they decide to live alone, it is highly possible that their parents cannot support them, and if they did not save money, they would face several financial problems such as going bankrupt. Hence, saving money enables them to live independently in the future. In conclusion, I support the idea since it not only provides the opportunity to young people to learn about various ways of saving money, but also prevents them form potential financial issues in the future.
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It is argued that everyone should save money for the future and young people are no exception. I firmly agree with this idea since saving money brings several rewarding effects, including techingteaching the way of saving money and prevention preventing young people from facing financial problems. What makes savesaving money for their future of young people vital is that they have the chance to gain several financial experimentsexperiences. In other words, they might not have not massive responsibilities as many as their old oneselders, resulting in they have them having the chance to try several ways in order to save money. By way of example, technology gives opportuntiesopportunities to young people to save their money in several ways, such as buying gold and bitcoins. It is highly possible that they lose thiertheir money; however, they might learn what the most reliable way for saving money is, and they might not take risks when they become older. Therefore, Thisthis approach not only provides financial stabilitiesstability in the long term, but also teaches countless various financial skills. Moreover, young people will tend to live independently in the future. This means that, while their parents might support them financially when they live with their parents, when they decide to live alone, it is highly possible that their parents cannot support them, and if they diddo not save money, they would face several financial problems such as going bankrupt. Hence, saving money enables them to live independently in the future. In conclusion, I support the idea since it not only provides the opportunity tofor young people to learn about various ways of saving money, but also prevents them formfrom potential financial issues in the future.
This section presents vocabulary suggestions. Highlighted words are either too simple or are repeated more than 3 times . Please note that some suggested alternatives might require changes to other parts of the sentence.
This section presents a professionally wirtten variation of your essay and highlights the differences.
It is argued that everyone should save money for the future and young people are no exception. I firmly agree with this idea since saving money brings several rewarding effects, including teching the way of saving money and prevention young people from facing financial problems.
It is argued that everyone should save money for the future, and young people are no exception. I firmly agree with this idea, as saving money brings several rewarding effects, including teaching the importance of financial management and preventing young people from facing financial problems.
What makes save money for their future of young people vital is that they have the chance to gain several financial experiments. In other words, they might have not massive responsibilities as many as their old ones, resulting in they have the chance to try several ways in order to save money. By way of example, technology gives opportunties to young people to save their money in several ways, such as buying gold and bitcoins. It is highly possible that they lose thier money; however, they might learn what the most reliable way for saving money is, and they might not take risks when they become older. Therefore, This approach not only provides financial stabilities in the long term , but also teaches countless various financial skills.
What makes saving money for the future vital for young people is that they have the opportunity to gain valuable financial experience. In other words, they may not have as many responsibilities as older individuals, which allows them to explore various methods of saving money. For example, technology provides young people with opportunities to save their money in different ways, such as investing in gold and cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin. While there is a risk of losing money, they can learn which methods are the most reliable for saving. This experience can help them avoid taking unnecessary risks as they grow older. Therefore, this approach not only provides long-term financial stability but also teaches a variety of essential financial skills.
Moreover, young people will tend to live independently in the future. This means that, while their parents might support them financially when they live with their parents, when they decide to live alone, it is highly possible that their parents cannot support them, and if they did not save money, they would face several financial problems such as going bankrupt. Hence, saving money enables them to live independently in the future.
Moreover, young people are likely to seek independence in the future. This means that, while their parents may support them financially while they live at home, they may not be able to provide the same level of support once they move out. If they have not saved money, they could face significant financial challenges, such as going bankrupt. Hence, saving money enables them to live independently and securely in the future.
In conclusion, I support the idea since it not only provides the opportunity to young people to learn about various ways of saving money, but also prevents them form potential financial issues in the future.
In conclusion, I support the idea that young people should save money, as it not only provides them with the opportunity to learn about various saving strategies but also helps prevent potential financial issues in the future.
Band Score: 6

Feedback

Task Achievement

  • Response to the Prompt: The essay addresses the prompt by agreeing with the statement that it is important for everyone, including young people, to save money for their future. The writer provides reasons for this stance, focusing on financial learning and independence.
  • Development of Ideas: The essay presents two main ideas: gaining financial experience and ensuring future independence. These ideas are relevant to the prompt and are supported with examples and explanations.

Coherence and Cohesion

  • Organization: The essay is organized into clear paragraphs, each focusing on a specific point. The introduction states the position, the body paragraphs develop the main ideas, and the conclusion summarizes the argument.
  • Cohesive Devices: The use of cohesive devices could be improved. Phrases like "In other words," "By way of example," and "This means that" help in transitioning between ideas, but more varied linking words and phrases could enhance the flow of the essay.

Lexical Resource

  • Range of Vocabulary: The essay uses a range of vocabulary related to finance and saving, such as "financial experiments," "financial stabilities," and "going bankrupt." However, there are some spelling errors, such as "teching" (teaching), "opportunties" (opportunities), and "thier" (their).
  • Precision and Appropriateness: Some word choices could be more precise. For example, "financial experiments" could be better expressed as "financial experiences" or "financial strategies."

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

  • Sentence Structures: The essay uses a variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences. However, there are some grammatical errors, such as "resulting in they have the chance" which should be "resulting in their having the chance."
  • Grammar and Punctuation: There are several minor errors in grammar and punctuation, such as "This approach not only provides financial stabilities in the long term , but also teaches countless various financial skills." The comma should be placed directly after "term" without a space.

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Enhance Cohesion: Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
  2. Correct Spelling and Grammar: Pay attention to spelling errors and grammatical accuracy, particularly in complex sentences.
  3. Expand Vocabulary: Use more precise vocabulary to convey ideas more clearly and effectively.
  4. Proofread: Carefully proofread the essay to catch and correct any typographical or punctuation errors.

Overall, the essay presents a clear argument with relevant examples, but it would benefit from improved cohesion, vocabulary precision, and grammatical accuracy.

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